mouth shut. mind wide open

phew

there are so many good people in this world.

Get Crack-a-Lackin

illustration by Pietari Posti


This morning I wake up.
Thank you Hashem.

Sun filters through the blinds with promises of 71 degrees.
(Yeah baby, I love CA on days like these)

It's never good to stay in bed...as the mind starts to wander...

To thoughts of life.
And where
And what
And why
And how.


How each of us is born on a track.

Till one day, for whatever reason, whether by force or by free will, we somehow manage to get bumped off our track.

And onto another.

Only this track don't be leadin' us to the places we ought to be going.
We're trying to fill someone else's shoes.
Dream some other dude's dream.

Or maybe we got bumped so hard, we're not even on a track anymore.
Just speeding over dirt and grass and hills, totally out of control.
Bam, bam, ouch.
Woah.


~~~


Today you wake up.
And say, that'll be all.
I'm sick and tired of this.


Where the world did my track go?


~~~


(This post sounded better in my head. In my bed.
Oh well.)

Go learn some tanya...it's the best track jumper.

:)
Have an awesome day.
c

MissHaia

Postcard of the great synagogue in Budapest

i eat him

Yesterday I call Bluma.

She's running to Hebrew School.
No time to chat.
She hands me off to Meir.

hi chani

hi meir, how was your day?

good

what did you do?

i went to school

what did you learn at school?

(in a bored tone)
just some not jewish letters and not jewish stuff

have some

I feel guilty and gluttonous to horde so much good cheer all to mine self.




so i am here to share it with you on this fine day.



:)
:)
:)



(oh, this smile leaves so much out...


it's missing the expansion in the chest
a giggle in the throat
a lightness in the step...)





peace
calm
joy
song

love
life
live
on

Where We Come From

Avremel sent us a cd with maoz tzur.

The one that my zeidy a'h used to sing.


Mother is not in the kitchen when father pops it into the handy dandy under-the-counter cd player in the kitchen.


I listen with half an ear as I am busy typing about hakuna matata and ain od milvado...


"Nice harmony...interesting...hmmm...i wonder who's in the choir...woah creative...yivunim, yivunim nigbitzee oolai...beautiful."


The song ends.



~~~


Mother walks into the kitchen.

Walks over to the player and presses play.




The song begins.




Suddenly her entire body straightens in concentration.


Breathing changes.

Tears well up.



I can't even imagine what the song evokes...



For her the harmonies don't matter.

Or the choir.



There's a whole world in this song.

A flood of memories.

A different place.

With holy souls and generations past.


~~~



We should be zocheh to sing maoz tzur with all of our zeidehs with moshiach in yerushalayim ir hakodesh tonight!

No Worries

Amazing.

Isn't it.

How there are two roads one can take to no worries...



Road #1

"Hakuna Matata"


















Road #2

"Hakol Biydei Shamayim"


















1.
No worries
Because life is not important
And nothing matters anyhow


-vs-


2.
No worries
Because life doesn't belong to us
And everything is His will



:)
:)
:)


ASHREINU MAH TOV CHELKEINU!



Ah Freilichen, Lichtigen Shabbos Chanukah B'Yerushalayim Ir HaKodesh

L'Chaim

Rain Tonight.

Illustration by Eloisa Lou


A rainy chanuka evening...
Can life get any cozier?


The smell of rain.
The smell of olive oil.
The smell of latkes.


mmm mmm good.
I can't wait!!!!!!!!

"thank you far hanikeh"

this post is dedicated to eli


and anyone else who ever said something random as a wee child and was made fun of for the rest of their lives.

Simple

illustration by Audrey Ficociello




As a child you think you need to mature and change so that you can really live.

You need to analyze and sophisticate.
And dress to impress.
You need to know more.
Become something.
Someone.

.
.
.

Until you realize that all this time you were trying to become something...that child you once were was everything you should ever be.



Honest and trusting and real and alive.



~~~



Simplify.

Go back to where you came from.

And take the wisdom of your many years with you...
Through the hills and valleys of life.
Till you reach the meadow of your youth.




:)

On a high from last night

painting by Sylvia Hartmann

It tastes like Moshiach this morning.

Sitting in the backyard.
Sun shining.
So much warmth.
But not too much.
Saying Tehillim on the lawn chair.
Strains of Karduner play through the screen door from the kitchen.



The air smells fresh.
The heart feels happy.
The lips sing words of praise.



I am still on a high after a farbrengen with Rabbi Reuven Wolf last night in honor of Yud Tes Kislev.
This is not the first time I've heard him speak, but it is the first I've heard of his journey to Chabad Chassidus and the unique truth and joy and depth that he couldn't get enough of.

When we got home, on such a high we couldn't go to sleep, I sat talking with my mother till late in the night.


She told me a story.


~~~~


Some thirty years ago my parents moved on shlichus to FL.
One day my mother was visited by one of her chasseedishe cousins from Boro Park.

My mother excitedly told her about the new campaign that they were doing to get Jewish women and girls to light shabbos candles.
This was at a time when shlichus was still somewhat of a novelty to the outside world.
She showed her the candles and candlesticks that was being handed out and shared stories of the lives they had touched through this mivtzah.

My mother's cousin looked at her with a confused expression on her face.

But why do you care?


~~~


But why do we care?!!!!!!!!!!!?????????

AMAZING!

We don't even realize how novel the idea is that we care!
It's so normal and natural to us that we should care about every Jewish neshama.

And even if we don't care every second of the day...we still care.

And even if we don't live up to everything we should be as shluchim of the Rebbe...we still care.

And even if sometimes the pressures of the world get to us and we forget that we're soldiers in HIS army...we still care.



L'chaim my friends.
Here's to an inspired, light-filled week.
May you be blessed with an appreciation for chassidus.
And the joy of living a meaning-filled life.



And the next time you're in LA, go learn with Rabbi Wolf.

You won't regret it.

Farbreng

Did you know that we are part of something huge?
Something awesome.
Something so holy it's beyond anything this world can even try to comprehend?

~~~

I must admit this is probably the first year that i have a true appreciation for yud tes kislev and what it really stands for.
(and even that is just a drop in the proverbial bucket)


Yeah, people think we have it easy.
But in truth F.F.B.s have it tough.


It's our struggle to be wowed by the everyday of our lives.

To gaze with awe at the norm that has become our routine.

To look deeper than the background that surrounds everything we do.


~~~~


L'chaim my dear friends.
It's yud tes kislev...FARBRENG!!!
And learn, learn, learn cuz there's no end to learning.
And there's no other way to survive in a world like this with a neshama like ours.

Lshana Tova Bi'limud Hachasidus Ubi'darchei Hachasidus

cozy

illustration by Audrey Ficociello


ahh.
:)
it was a fine day.
it was a gorgeous cloud-filled sunset day.
full of pinks and blues.
such lovely hues.


day in day out day in day out


is it just me...
or is it warm in here?


blogging is such sweet sorrow.
not really
but it sounds goodly in the hoodly.

~~~

i remember the nights before gimmel tammuz when i would go to bed and after saying shma would say:

the rebbe zol zayn gezunt moshiach zol shoyn kumen

every night

the rebbe zol zayn gezunt moshiach zol shoyn kumen

then after a while it turned into...

moshiach zol zayn gezunt the rebbe zol shoyn kumen

:)

~~~

hmmmm.

it's kinda nice to type on the kitchen table rather than on my desk upstairs.
surrounded by grapes
and rugelach
and apple cinnamon oatmeal from ralphs with lower sugar.
yeah - that stuff is way too sugary for mine taste.

droopy eyes.
tired shoulders.

i hope
your day
was as awesome
as was mine.

love
c

spilled milk

Guess what.

There are buy-one-get-one-free tickets on virginamerica.com for bentzy's wedding.

Thank you Hashem.

Nice move.

Representing

It's official.
I've become a boy.

Allow me to explain.

Just the other day Shmueli slaps my car with two large rectangular magnetic strips meant for advertising.

They say:

Los Alamitos Hebrew High
Fun, Meaningful, Accredited (wow I've memorized this) now enrolling blah blah blah...

At first I was like, "nice, he thinks my car is so classy people will want to send their kids just because they see the advert on such a classy car with such a classy driver".

Then I was like, "darn, why must my car have two large magnets stuck to its sides...they're bringing down the neighborhood".

Either way I swallowed my pride and drove on, through smog and fog and blog.
;)


Well, it happened.
I was driving down Los Al Blvd and needed to make a very necessary yet slightly impractical move.
So I cut over one lane and caused the driver behind me to step on his breaks a bit harder than he would have liked.
As I turn into the turning lane he rolls up next to me.
I look at him with an apologetic gesture and a little wave only to see his eyes drift...
Down.
Down.
Down.
From my sorry face in the window to the door of my car...

Then it hit me.
Ohmygoodness...
The magnet!!

Shoot.

I have officially become the driving representative of all Jews in Los Al.
Forget Los Al, the whole world.
Now this guy thinks that all Jews are idiots and lousy drivers to boot.

As I round the bend towards home the whole yarmulka and tzitzis thing dawns on me.
I mean, I know about the concept but I've never felt it this strongly before.

So this is what it feels like.

There's no hiding.

I am.

I represent.

.
.
.

Woah.

I'll be more careful next time.

Surprise! :)

Sitting at mine desk.
It's late in the night.
My picture wall stares back at me.
.
.
.
Here I see you, eyes closed, dripping wet from dunking your head in the baby pool in your old backyard.

There I see you, with a slightly distracted look on your clown face that purim in our shul, surrounded by your crazy aunts in full costume.

And there again, all dressed up in ND's arms, the ever-present head band on your head.

~~~

There's nothing like a first.
If you only knew how much joy you brought to our whole family.
It sounds sorta kinda corny and lame-o lame-o, but it's true.
Truly.
Scrumptious.

You were like my daughter, sister, friend.
So small and cute and delicious and edible.

And now you are like my age.
I mean, we can nearly share clothes...
:)
Not just the wool sweaters I would accidentally put in the washing machine so they shrunk to a size only you would have fit into.

(Which reminds me...I have a sweater for you.)
(Are you sleeping over tomorrow?) (I hope so.)


Well.
I must wish you a good night.
You should be in bed by now (ahem) so I won't keep you any longer.

Enjoy your day tomorrow.
And remember what uncle Eli said.
Today was the birthday of chassidus and Yud Tes Kislev is the bris...

Nar oif simches my dearest.
All my love.
And more.
Tante C

Shalom wants to know if a seashell is a phone to the ocean

Nor Ayner Haist Ah Chusid

To learn is to live is to balance
To listen is to hear is to nod
To see is to know is to believe
To feel is to hold is to empathize
To cry is to show is to connect
To love is to leap is to open
To care is to call is to be there

To write is to think is to share

And to you I say hang in there...
Life ain't all that bad
And even if it is, you're stronger than that

So pick up your chin
And grin
And say
Oh...

The sun'll come out tomorrow so you gotta hang on till tomorrow
Come what may

:)

Tonight is yud kislev
Let's farbreng!
Here's a sicha in honor of the night
Read and enjoy
I did...


Sicha


A gutte nacht my fellow chassidiste's
We should merit the redemption from this deep, dark and dank exile tonight
L'chaim!

Little Boy Blue

illustration by Julie Cork

Come hither ye reader as I must share with you a tale that brings a chuckle to my heart and a giggle to my larynx.


~~~


It was four score and ten years ago.
On a cold wintry night in Nov, Dec, Jan or Feb.


(twilight zone music playing in the background)


My little brother, who must have been around ten years old at the time, walks into the kitchen and puts up a kettle on the stove.

When it whistles he runs upstairs and returns carrying a negel vasser kvort and shissel.

He then begins pouring the water from the kettle into the negel vasser kvort.



"Brother, what the world are you doing????"


"Well," he replied, "every morning when I wake up and wash negel vasser the water is freezing cold.

I'm boiling the water so when i wake up in the morning it will be warm."



"Aha. I see. Genius."



The next day...



"So brother, how was the water for your negel vasser?"

"Freezing cold."



~~~



LOL
ohmythatcracksmeup!!
:)

I love that story.

kibud aim

illustration by audrey ficociello

so i'm talking to my mother in the kitchen this morning over the sound of gardeners and running water from the sink and to the smells of challah, chicken and g. fish baking.

i as usual am being overly analytical about topics best left to their own conclusions...poor mother must deal with my idiosyncrasies as i do live in her home...and she knows as i know that most of the things i rip apart and put back together end up resolving themselves after a certain period of time only to leave me feeling like an over-obsessive moron.

which only serves to remind me of my many imperfections...and prompts me to say the following...

"life is not about perfection, it's about making the best of what we were created with."

mother says, "you should put that on your blog."

i think, why should i put that on my blog? it's not like i came up with the concept.

then i realize it doesn't matter whether or not i came up with the concept.
mother says; you must obey.

so i did.


but of course, now that i've broken my fri. morning routine and list of things to do (dessert, set up bed for z.r., do a deep cleaning on the backyard for bentzy's l'chaim next sunday [you're all invited...1-4 our house]) my mind must go on one of its random hikes.


~~~~


kibud aim.
what does that mean?
especially in the world and society we were blessed to be born into.
it's really pretty easy to feel like we are respectful daughters...compared to all the kids out there who yell and curse at and ignore and disrespect and disregard their parents makes us shine for just listening to a simple command like, "please wash the lettuce for shabbos".

but we are taught that with regards to ruchniyus we should not compare ourselves to those that are lower than us and gloat, but rather to those higher than us...the ones we should strive to be like.

i will share with you a story.
it is true.
the names have been changed to protect the innocent...
(fine, it's my bubby)

many years ago there lived a family in a small apartment on president street in the crown heights section of brooklyn ny.
the father was a saintly man who strived every day just to do a favor for a fellow jew; the mother a G-d fearing woman who dedicated her life to her children and husband.

and so it was that one day a young child passed away and one of the daughters came home with the sad news and shared it with her mother.
when the father found out about this he berated the young girl for telling her mother and thereby bringing unnecessary pain to this special woman.
"but she would have found out anyways..." protested the girl.
"not matter, you don't have to be the one to cause her pain.
(not direct quotes, bear with me, i wasn't there)

indeed this seemed to be a pattern.
whenever there was an occurrence of tragedy, pain, loss or suffering on any scale, be it large or small, the children learned from their father that mother was to be protected from the news as much as possible.
all for the purpose of not bringing unnecessary pain to this special woman.


time flies by like clouds passing in the sky.

the family grows and with it the joys and sorrows of life.
the children now have families of their own and carry on the tradition of sharing as much good news as possible with the matriarch while shielding her from as much pain as they can spare.


~~~~


the mother is now k'ah 91 years old.
and although the man who stood by her and protected her for all those years has since passed on, the legacy that he instilled in his children has not and has continued with his grandchildren.


thank you zaidy for giving us a model to live above and beyond the demands of modern society.

good shabbos all.
(i better go call bubby to wish her a good shabbos. :) )

wawaweewa

my brother came home today from new york.
he's engaged.

crazy kind a times.
:)

just a week and a day ago he left a single...and today he returned a half.

awesome.


this is life.

i like.

Nighttime

illustration by paint monster

It's Wednesday night.
Again.
And the house is fairly quiet.

All I can hear are strains of mother telling a tale to the sleepy grandkids from mv in the room across the hall.

:)

Reminds me of the stories we used to hear as kids.
The boys room and the girls room were next door to each another, and father would stand in the hallway between the two rooms, with both doors open, telling a story for us as we lay in our bunkbeds.
Ahhh.


My window is wide open and crickets chirp once again...
My laptop has asthma of sorts and its fan breathes rather loudly.
Nechama plops down next to me to show the work she's been doing on the magazine for Marc.
Her laptop makes random foghorn sounds.
Whatever.
Mac vs PC.
I guess I'd rather an asthmatic PC to a foghorn Mac.


The phone rings.
It's Esty.
:)

Real

T'is pretty crazy how when fire threatens your home the things that are most important to you become crystal clear.

The Poway CA refugees arrived at our home two weeks ago after running from the inferno that threatened their home and the homes of hundreds of thousands.

They walked in the door...


My pregnant sister - intact B"H

With their kids - adorable k'ah

A kesuba
Two candle sticks
Two sifrei torah from chabad house
A suitcase of clothes
Some buckets of toys

Zehu.
This is life.

it makes me me

illustration by elana nazzaro

Some music makes me happy.

Especially when I'm in the mood of it.
:)
The joy just spreads through my body...pure joy.


Some music makes me hyper.

in'tza in'tza in'tza...
driving in the car...need to watch my speed as the pace of the car begins to match my beats of my heart.


Some music makes me sappy.

And the tears they flow.
Oh, there's nothing better than sappy music for a sappy mood.


Some music makes me dance.

Well, duh.


Some music makes me nostalgic for days gone by.

Brings back a memory or a picture, a snapshot of time stood still.


Some music makes me deep.

Thoughtful.
Introspective.
Makes me feel holy and G-dly connected.
Like a soul without a body.


Some music makes me wanna sing and laugh and cry all at once.



~~~~

The other day I was listening to some olden olden day vintage avraham fried.

I barely even hear it, just working in the office…

The songs play on...

And on and on...

It's the soundtrack of my childhood.

I can’t say this music makes me particularly happy, or hyper or sappy or dancy or nostalgic or deep…

It just makes me me.

Don't Tell Anyone.

It's 1:55 in the am.
Something makes me come and visit my old blog...I haven't been here in weeks.

Nice to be back.
:)

I start to read.
Post after post after post.
I only make it to June.

Some make me laugh.

Some make no sense whatsoever.
What was i thinking?

Some make me think why was I so self conscious.
Some make me think I'm a pretty good writer.
Some make me cringe.
I feel like deleting all the bad stuff and leaving the good stuff.

I think about writing again.

I feel like I have nothing to share.
And yet I feel like if i don't share I'm doing a disservice.

So maybe what I have to say is slightly lame or unimportant or self serving.
Who cares.
If sharing it with you makes a difference, who am I to crawl into a hole and hide?

We are all inspirations to someone.
Somewhere.
Somehow.
Whether we like it or not.

So grab life by the horns
Take every opportunity to shed a little more light.
To be a little more transparent.
A little more holy.

Breathe in
Breathe out

I better post this quick before i change my mind.
Layla tov my friends
Ohmygosh my head hurts from typing in the dark.
I'm sleeping in tomorrow...
:)
Oh the joys of working for yourself.

See you around.
Love,
Chani

new pictures for old blog.

(the pictures from the last few posts were looking sorta kinda melancholy so i searched for a new, brighter, more sanguine art piece to welcome random stragglers...)

(these are by a young artist named Majeak Ann from the Carribean. I like :)

Bye Bye Birdie

It's been decided that rather than shut down, I will merely start anew...

so thanks for coming
come back if you're ever bored

and on those days when i have something impersonal to share, i'll share

:)

old habits die hard

meet you in yerushalayim ir hakodesh
tata

- chani

In da mo'ning

the sun will rise no matter
thank G-d for that



i do hope this day finds you well and refreshed

with places to go
and people to see

and purposes to fill


~~


go on...

be stronger than yesterday



Manis says...
don't try to be a good daughter
or a good mother
or a good friend
or a good jew

everyday just start again.
that's all, just start again.

it doesn't matter that you weren't your best yesterday.
that you messed up last week.
that you came up short last year.



start again.



every

single

day.




i liked that.

:)

honest

everything i want to write about seems lame
or repetitious
or self righteous
or trying



i want to tell you how refreshing the tanya class was last night
and how it's so important to learn

but you know this already



i want to tell you what an awesome day it is today
and how the mountains near the valley are so clear

but how many times can i tell you about my day



i want to tell you about the mosaic lamp on my desk
the one that nina made me out of broken plates and plaster

but why would you care


......


i feel i've exhausted all my ideas and just keep coming back to the same thoughts
the same thoughts...
over and over and over and over again


it's not about you
it's not about you

it's all about you

get over yourself
get over yourself

happiness is a choice
go do something good
something good

it's all the aibishter
who do you think you are

you don't need to be right
nothings more foolish than your pride

swallow it

g
u
l
p

wish you were here

just

by

the

way

sukkos

is

my

fave

holiday

at

the

moment



our sukkah glows at night from the outside
cuz it's got fiberglass walls

blue. green. yellow.

the view from my window upstairs at night is fantastic
like something from another world


dark
night


glowing
sukkah



like a metaphor



i tried to take a picture
but all it captured was the screen
:)


~


dunno if i'm supposed to just randomly type on chol hamoed
pinkies only...


ah git moed tzu alemen
a heilike yontif
mit lib
c

farbrengen with myself at 2:00 in the morning

cyber life is merely a reflection of reality
popularity contests masquerade themselves as blogs/myspace/facebook...


tonight i just wanna shut down my facebook account

what's the point? to see how many people i know?
who am i kidding
friends?
half of these people i wouldn't feel comfortable enough to call tonight for a chat

***

but then again it's not called friendbook, it's called facebook
the faces of our lives
that's the cool thing about it.
the ability to hook up with random people you otherwise would have no connection with
like jordana wayne who used to be the first one picked up on the bus cuz she lived all the way in downey when fooman was our bus driver and the bus stunk like smelly rags and this gross cleaning spray he used to clean witth every day and fooman would say don't anyone make a peep and jordana would say "peep".
that's cool

***

but it also gives you an unwanted peek into the lives of some people you'd rather not peek into
like the ones who if you met them on the street you would never know how lost and confused they are but then you go onto their facebook and pictures don't lie and you're like noooooo don't tell me you fell for the world and all it's shtuyot!
dang
i hate that

***

on the other hand it's quite the convenient method of keeping up with people you met over the summer while travelling in israel sans camera who were kind enough to take pictures of you on the hike through nachal amud and then tagged you so not only you can remember what an awesome trip you had but all your friends can travel vicariously through you and then comment on your pictures with quotes like "chani you look amazing" and make you feel like a million bucks.

***

then there's the whole privacy issue
i feel as if suddenly my cellphone is picking up snippets of hundreds of conversations that i have no right to evesdrop on and telling me all kinds of things i have no business knowing

***

so i want to shut down
now
tonight

***

but then i think - ahh, get over yourself girl its just a stupid facebook
no need to get all worked up about it
there's stupidity everywhere you go
and besides you always overreact and take everything so seriously
why must you always see the bad in things
focus on the good


***

then i realize i'm blabbing to a whole bunch of people i don't even know and i should probably shut up cuz this is worse than facebook

lol

Light and Fluffy

They say I'm too heavy
too deep
too thoughtful

They say I take things
just a little too seriously

They say
I speak
in short
splurty
sentences

They say
take a chill pill
on a crooked hill
till
the sun fill
bill
mill

Run along now dear
no need to care
life isn't that meaningful

Relax

You're not meant to take each lesson to heart
the stuff you learn
in those holy books
leave it for the holy ones...
and besides
it's giving me the heebie jeebies

They'd rather
I keep it all
light
and
fluffy

silly
chilly
randomly random
blah
blah
blah
pitter patter chatter

;)

.
.
.
.
.
.


But not you
noooo
not you
you're right here with me


nah
you're way ahead of me


~~~

dedicated to a year old friend from the town near the ocean with the beautiful sunset filled sky.
g'night my dear...
:)

Lick and Stamp

Dearest friend,


for the days you really needed someone to talk to
so you called
but i was too busy
do i said i'd call back
thinking it was one of those days you just wanted to chat


i'm sorry



for all those times i wasn't myself
cuz i was uncomfortable and over-compensating
or self conscious in a crowd
so i said things i didn't mean


i'm sorry



for all those little moments
getting annoyed with you
for stupid things i do myself
but i expect everyone else to forgive me


i'm sorry



for rolling my eyes
for putting you on hold
for leaving a little bruise on your heart
for saying the wrong thing
for not backing you up
for taking away some of your chips
for being too closed
for being too open


for loving myself more


i'm sorry


~~~~


gmar chasima tova

it's a whole new year...
moshiach better come.

love
to
you
all

c




p.s. for trying to sound poetic on my blog... sorry about that too :)

Happy Roshashana

Sitting in Shmateo

eating frosted flakes

and soy milk

in a fleishig bowl

on erev rosh hashana 5768.


~~~~

I remember once going to the Ohel with my little sister.

And as I sat writing,

surrounded by people writing away their sorrows,

all those sobbing sphardim, pensive chassidim, teary eyed moms...

she sat there slightly bored.

Having already written the general intro and extro on her pan.

She turned to me -

"Chani, I have nothing to write."

~~~~



This Rosh Hashana I give you all a bracha

that you should never have "anything to write",

no true sorrows, struggles, hardships, health/wealth/relationship issues to cry about.


We should only pray from gratefulness and thankfulness and joy

rather than from lack and need and sorrow.



Moshiach nower.


Ksivah v'chasima tova ~ L'shana tova umesuka ~ A gut gebentched yar


Love,

Chani

green yellow pink

one day my cell phone rang and i didn't want to look and see who it was cuz all day the phone rang and it was about annoying work or uncomfy decisions or stressful situations...

ring
ring
ring

ignore
ignore
ignore

then my curiosity got the best of me...
i peeked at the caller id...

.
.
.

relief
floods
my
whole
body

huge
smile

:)
:)
:)


IT WAS YOU!!!




(phew)

Close Mine Eyes

bs'd

Crown Heights in August.

It's muggy and humid with just the right amount of green to make it bearable.

~~~~

We're sitting on the porch swing.

Bubby swings with her feet in those sturdy black shoes from Israel.
The ones she says are "the best".

She thinks they're from Tsfat and calls my aunt who lives there to send her a new pair every not-so-often.
Little does she know my aunt needs to shlep all the way to Yerushalayim or Bnei Brak to buy them.
She never told her.

~~~~

Bubby swings us.
Forward, backward.

Then sideways.
Side to side to side.
Forward, then sideways.
She looks at me.


"Which way do you like better?"

:)

She laughs.

Bubby has the best laugh.

blink

We've never met
And may never again

Yet we sway to the same tune
And sing to the same song

And dance with eyes open, closed

I'm in a huge stadium surrounded on all sides by fellow Jewish maidens
Music is so unifying
It breaks down all barriers with people like language or opinion

Arms wrapped around strangers, sisters

Avremel steps out on the field.
No music
Just one voice
"Lama lama ma, nikra..."
Hundreds of thousands of voices
"...Moriah, al shem hamor hatov al shem hamor hatov..."


Totally overwhelmed by the sweet voices
And sweet words
In this holy land flowing with sweetness


All alone


Just a soul in a sea of souls
Crying
Just standing and listening and watching and swaying back and forth and back and forth



I love my people



It was a taste of moshiach
see you there


:)

Today I woke up.

Raindrops are falling.


The rain pitters and patters.
Cozy.
So cozy.
Warm and toasty.


It's hard to get up on days like these.

Hard to work.
Hard to be proactive.
Hard to make decisions.
Hard to make plans.
Hard to be inspired.

~~~

Makes me think how some people have rainy lives.

And keep waiting for the weather of their lives to clear up.


Keep waiting for the rain to stop...
The skies to clear...
The sun to come out...

Then I'll get up.
Then I'll get on with life.
Then I'll start to live.


Till then they just curl up in bed with a hot cocoa and a good book.
Just waiting for a better day.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Till the cocoa ain't so hot.
And the book lost its charm.
So sad.

~~~

Sometimes the rains can last for quite some time.
And if they do, paint your walls yellow.
Invite all the happy people over to your place.
Plant flowers that grow well with rain.
Buy bright umbrellas and silly boots.
Play songs that make the heart laugh.


Choose life.

Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life.


Choose.
type it enough times and it starts to look funny.
choose.
choose.
choose.
like kaboose.
hehe.

Perspective

In the little synagogue near the big park we would meet.

Every Monday night at six.

A 24 year old chabadnikah with a 60 year old Jewess.

The two of us were meant to share an hour together, every Monday night for two years, with the purpose of studying Torah.
Although I must admit she was more interested in hearing about the goings on of my life than the portion of the week.
Every time I tried teaching the holy words she would interrupt me with yet another question: On life.
And family.
And work.
And love.

Love.
Alas the older woman seemed to be lacking in this precious resource.
Story after story emerged of her failed marriage, her failed mother daughter relationships, her failed self worth and failed feelings of accomplishment.

As time wore on it seemed she began to live vicariously through the life of her Monday night other.
My days were hers and she looked forward to each one.

~~~~~

It was a night like any other.

The Torah lesson from the week before had revolved around the exciting prospect of my pending date with an anonymous young gentleman.

We had discussed the whole shidduch system (no - we're not set up from birth, no - we don't have to marry if we don't want...) and what I should wear, say, do, etc.
She made me promise a full report on my return this week.

I had returned.
And alas, the report was no good.

She walked into the shul.
Or should I say ran.
I've never her seen her so ecstatic...

she: HOW WAS IT????
me: There's nothing to be excited about.

she: Tell me all about it!!!
me: There's nothing to tell, it didn't work out.

she: I'm so happy for you!!!! (huge smile)
me: (getting frustrated) What don't you understand? There's nothing to be happy about...I didn't like him.

she: It doesn't matter whether or not the date went well....

You went out...

You're young...

You're alive!
You're dating!!!

I'm so happy for you.

~~~~~~

I left that Monday night in an infinitely better mood.
With a whole new appreciation for the small things in life.
The ones that should leave us up rather than down.

Thanks E.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

the sky this morning is covered by clouds

i sit on bubby's porch
the only ones awake at this wee hour are the ultra pious, the ultra responsible and the housekeepers
i love jetlag the kind that makes me wake up with the sun

only today there is no sun.
just clouds

i can remember the first conscious time i flew in a plane on a cloudy cloudy day

it was cold
and gray
and sad
in may

and we rose above the clouds on wings through pillows of moisture

when suddenly there was the sun
shining
shining so so brightly
and it hit that young pigtailed, brown haired, brown eyed child

the sun was there all along

it is always shining
whether we see it or not
come snow come storm
come wind come clouds
come sadness come heartbreak

come home


i like this lesson

:)

Dedicated to Sabra

We missed the last bus from tverya so we hailed a taxi.
Still haven't figured out the difference between arab and secular israeli drivers.
This one is no exception.
Warily, we enter the vehicle.
Your name?
Avi.
From Jerusalem.

Smiles all around.

Avi is in a mood that is not good.
And we are in his car.
So he begins to speak.
Angry.
Sad.
Of Israel and it's government.
Of soldiers and hands tied and world opinion and America and money.
Of us and our cozy lives far from the violence.

He mourns aloud for twenty minutes or so.
Then all is silent.

So what is the solution?

Avi doesn't skip a beat...
Moshiach.
Of course.
There is no other answer.
(hand on head) I may not wear a kippah, but I believe...

Walla.
:)
I love my people.

Titolo

The mosquito just flew by the screen.
It's 4:33 am Italian time.
I am lagged by a jet.
And trying mighty hard not to get bitten.


Wanna know something real cool about being in Italy?
I log into my blog and find stuff like:

visualizza blog.
crea.
modifica post.
modera commenti
operazione completata
ora blogger consente di salvare le tue bozze automaticamente!

(ten blog points if you figure out what they mean)


Then the keyboard's got all these neat little things like:

è
é
ò
ç
°
à
ù
§

Instead of end it says fine.
And enter says invio.


But ESC still says ESC.
:)


K.
I'm gonna try to go to sleep.

Excuse Me

who are you?
what makes you who you are?
your job?
your family?
your hobbies?
your tastes?
what you like to do on the weekend?

who am i?
am i my quirks?
my friends?
my wardrobe?
my talents?
the things i like to talk about?
the things i like to do?


strip away the layers and reveal your soul.
i'm sick and tired of layers.

Groundhog Day

Melancholy breeds depth
Depth breeds thought
Thought breeds creativity
Creativity breeds art

~~~

Life is simply refreshing
And delightfully busy

B"H
I have no time to think
Or write

~~~

Breathe in and enjoy

The fresh scent of summer
The blessing of family
The energy of concerts
The power of special people
The joy of creating someone else's yesterday


L'chaim
To days so full, there's no time to blog

:)

Hairless & Speechless

Sarah has been on chemo now for over four years.

A tall thin girl to begin with, she has lost much weight as well as much hair.

Sarah looks so frail and blue, with her lungs lacking oxygen so it's hard to breath or talk.


Life can not be easy.


Yet she sits.
And smiles.
Breathlessly chatting with me about her upcoming visit to California.



I tell her,
"Sarah, you are amazing."

She tells me,
"Chani, I'm not coming to California for an ego boost."




.

Everyday is Gimmel Tammuz

by the Sabra

Many people are asking me now, "What did you do for Gimmel Tammuz?".

They want to know.

This is usually preceded (or directly followed) by something to the effect of "I just got back from the Ohel, gosh the lines were long and I am exhausted. I am on the way now to a farbrengen (had one last night too) and I went to an excellent shiur this morning. So, what did you say you did?"

I don't think they intend to brag or compare, I think they just want to know.

And I answer-"Me? I davened with 4 Jewish kids this morning. Then I took them to the park. Then we went to an old age home and we sang for some elderly Jewish women. I also washed these children's hands and faces and gave them fresh chocolate cake. Then we played a game and colored on plastic papers. Oh! You mean what did I do specifically in honor of the day? Well, I made sure to say all 12 Pesukim with the kids. I tried to get Daniel to daven. I explained to a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old what it means to write a letter to the Rebbe, and then they wrote it. I prompted Leibel to shout 'we want moshiach now' and I clapped along encouragingly when he sang/demanded "ad mosai, do we have to wait, we want moshiach now, we don't want to wait.'

And then they say-"Oh, that's nice."

And they really think so, but they don't know what that has to do with their original question-what did I do for Gimmel Tammuz?

And I say (as if I hadn't been interrupted)- "And I wore my nice gold shoes in the sand. And I chatted with people I wanted to run away from. And I held the baby even though I didn't want to. And I started learning a maamer. And I said 'oh, it's my pleasure' when it wasn't (and then I spoke to myself till it really was my pleasure).

And then they say- "Oh, that's nice. That's really beautiful."

And again, they really think so, but again they don't know what that has to do with Gimmel Tammuz. (except maybe the maamer part)

And I say- "Wait, I'm not finished. I also chopped cucumbers, stirred green beans, and set out cold cuts and rolls for a bris."

And they say-"Oh, that's nice. But what does that have to do with Gimmel Tammuz?"

And I didn't say they were smug or smirking or provoking. They just want to know.

They want to know? So I tell them.

---

I tell them 'For me, every day is Gimmel Tammuz."

Huh?

"Every day, the Rebbe is not with us physically. Every day it's unfair and hard that the Rebbe is not here. Every day in golus is painful. The Rebbe wasn't taken away from me in Nun Daled. The Rebbe is taken away from me each and every day. And 'whichever day does not see the Rebbe, it is as if that day took him away'. It's day after day, month after month, yom tov after yom tov, year after year.
Every day is Gimmel Tammuz for me.
And every day the Rebbe is with me more and more.
My Rebbe wasn't ever taken away from me cuz I (barely) had a Rebbe before then. It wasn't 'here and then gone'. It's the same forever.
And since a neshama can do way more when it is not in a guf, I'm with the Rebbe more than you ever were.
The Rebbe guides my every day; The Rebbe tells me what to wear, what to learn, what to say and what to think.
For me, "Gimmel Tammuz didn't change a thing".
The Rebbe wants me to hold the backpack of a 4 yr old Yiddishe kinde, today like yesterday and tomorrow.
Every day is Gimmel Tammuz for me."

"Ahh", they answer, "But Gimmel Tammuz is not just a random mark of time. It's a spiritual mark of time. It's a yarhtzeit. An auspicious time when the neshama has an aliyah.."

And I burst out - "Aliyas Neshama? Vus fahr a aliyas neshama? The Rebbe has been standing outside of Gan Eden for thirteen years, yes thirteen years now, stubbornly refusing to enter until we are all taken out of golus!"

---

So what did I do this Gimmel Tammuz?
I tried getting the Rebbe a little closer to his goal.


www.altishalioti.blogspot.com


.

I Love My Life

some things never change
like the symphony of crickets chirping outside of my window

they lull me to sleep


so sleepy

eyes are droopy

heart is happy


this day was long and lived and loved
family bbq chill-outs are a blessing
not in disguise
B"H

eli is a rock

and one day when life slows to a peaceful crawl and i find some time to write, i will share the tale of the surprise gift
(new ipod and speakers who had their debut tonight)

thanks razelle
you are a lovely gazelle



.

Defiance

Listen up buster.

You have a problem with my idealism?
My faith?
My purpose in this world?

What's the alternative...?
To be a cynical, pessimistic loser like you?


Never.


For I have a G-d

And I have a soul.

And I have a Rebbe.

And I still believe with complete faith in the coming of Moshiach.
And though he may be stuck in traffic on the 405, I shall wait for him every day that he shall come.


So there.

a.g.n.

Good night my sisters everywhere.


How awesome is it.
That we all see.
The same exact moon.


Hashem rocks the house.

Thinking

Yossi says go private.
The world is full of crazy people.

Bluma says get over it.

Esty doesn't understand the whole blog world.
She has far more important things to do and has tuned me out long ago.

:)


~~~


What I want to know is What would the Rebbe say?



.

A Post For One of Those Days

This is a post for you to come back and read one of those days when you're feeling kinda like a loser slash loner slash need someone to talk to person.





That day when all the clouds are grey.
And your friends have gone away.



Your memory draws a blank on all happy thoughts and occasions that may have happened in your life.





You forget you've ever done anything worthwhile.
You doubt anyone is thinking of you or missing you.
You can't find a single thing to smile about.





You feel sad.
You feel lonely.
You feel like nobody cares about you.
You feel like zero.

Well, aside from telling you that:

a. being unhappy is totally lame and
b. you are in control of your own happiness and
c. nobody likes depressed people and
d. you'll be out of it in no time and
e. you're not the only one who ever felt like this...

here are some suggestions to help you get out of your lame little funky state:


Go do something for someone.
Anything.
Buy someone a present.
Put on some awesome music.
(Preferably Jewish as the alternative is bad for the spirit as it is)

Color a picture in a coloring book.
Paint your room.
Change around the furniture.
Give away half of your closet to some friends who could use some clothes.
Drive somewhere with the windows closed and sing on top of your lungs.
Do a cartwheel.

Cry for all the little one with shattered lives and broken homes.
Laugh at yourself.
Go outside and smell a rose.
Hold a sleeping baby.
Make yourself a hot cocoa.
Send an email to all your buddies and wait for the replies to come in.




Go to sleep and wake up in the morning with the sunshine.

p.s.

still debating the whole privacy thing...

This Blog Is Going Private

Life is full of forks in roads.
To go left.
To go right.
The road less traveled is also less marked, leaving the traveler to their own disgression as to which way is the right way to go.

I've dabbled with the idea for some time now.
It's been fun.
Living on the edge and all...
But this shepherdess is relocating to safer pastures.
:)



p.s.
Email me for an invite.
If I don't know you and you want to be invited... have a friend of yours who's a friend of mine email me with your email address and I'll add you to the list.

orange you glad i didn't say banana

Here's wishing you a juicy, tangy, deliciously refreshing shabbos.
From your friend in the O.C.



p.s.
I picked up two of my nephews to spend shabbos with us.
We spent the night with my brothers kids.
Cousins on shlichus with the rare chance to hang out together...

This morning Menachem asks me if Yaakov is his cousin.
I say yes.
He says, "that means he can share his lunch with me".
:)

Shlichus.
It changes how you see everything.
Gotta love it.

Ice Cream Anyone??

Last week I came down with a horrible case of bad mood.
The doctors said it was a bug and I was highly contagious.
So they locked me up in quarantine for a few hours.

~~~

Did you ever go slip 'n' sliding and land a major belly flop that knocked the air out of your belly for the full ride till the end of the yellow slippery plastic?
And then get up and run right back to the end of the line for your next turn?
Kids are awesome.

~~~

Some welcome life's challenges as an opportunity for growth, strengthening of character and sensitivity to others.
Some use 'em as crutches of all colors, sizes and shapes to hobble through a life full of blaming others.

Who am I to judge?

~~~

Hashem only gives you what you can handle.
I can't handle a mosquito bite.
(ahem)

~~~

Snap, crackle, pop.
The sounds of breakfast.
Who was the first to invent the 'helicopter - vroom - open your mouth trick'?

~~~

Big brothers are so wise.

~~~

At times my opinion makes all the difference in the world.
At times my opinion is not even called for.
I'll shut up now.

;)

~~~

(p.s. have a totally chof sivan day. happy b-day to m.r.m. :)

Sister, Sister.

I wish I could take you with me wherever I go.
You are the balance on my seesaw.
You are the pride of my days.
The security of my nights.

I wish I could build a house next door to yours.
With joining kitchens and laundry rooms and backyards.

You cook like my mother.
You look like my soul.

You make me laugh.
You make me comfortable.
You make me normal.

You listen.
You nod.
You space out.
You space in.

You're there for me to lift me up.
To patch me up.
To fill me up.


Happy birthday sis.
I love you.

Over and Over and Over and Over.

Why is it that no matter how many times I fill up for gas, I always run out?
And need to fill up again.
And again.
And again.

It doesn't matter that I did it yesterday.

The bed.
The dishes.
The hair.
The smiles.
The shoulders.
The words.
The patience.
The joy.
The time.
The commitment.
The respect.
The hugs.
The understanding.

Need I say more?
Everyday is a whole new world.
See you on the other side of morning.
:)

Color In The Lines

Fly. Flit. Float.

I'm sitting frozen on the bench swing.
Facing the pool.
Two of them just landed on the pool gate, not far from the leftover challah from last shabbos.
I heard them just minutes ago chirping with their friends in the neighbors trees.
Playing.
Chasing.
Flitting.
The brave one takes the first daring leap off the gate.
Three more have joined...
They follow the leader to feast on half of a stale loaf from shwartz's bakery.
One man's trash is another birds lunch.

I'm afraid to move.
The swing begs to be swung.

My mind starts up with me.
Blog.
Must blog about this.
The words have already begun forming.
I'm sitting frozen on the bench swing...

~~~

Reminds me of a summer where I spent many days doing 1000 piece jugsaw puzzles, one after the other until I starting seeing puzzles every time I closed my eyes at night.
Then I started playing Tetris around the same time...which eventually led to puzzle shaped pieces falling in a Tetris game in the movie of my mind.

Then there was the time I was designing mezuza cases. Fabrics and colorful designs filled my room and my mind until I started seeing everything in life as a potential mezuza case design.
A patchwork couch.
A gold, orange, blue sunset.
An Oilily dress.

~~~

Years have passed.
My world is becoming a blog.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

;)

Gut shabbos shvesterlachinlachin.
(laughing sisters...i like)

Something to Smile About

it's starting to smell like summer
the air is sunny
the breeze is breezy
pool party at my place
trader joes chocolate soy ice cream popsicles
and lotsa sunscreen
:)