Hairless & Speechless

Sarah has been on chemo now for over four years.

A tall thin girl to begin with, she has lost much weight as well as much hair.

Sarah looks so frail and blue, with her lungs lacking oxygen so it's hard to breath or talk.


Life can not be easy.


Yet she sits.
And smiles.
Breathlessly chatting with me about her upcoming visit to California.



I tell her,
"Sarah, you are amazing."

She tells me,
"Chani, I'm not coming to California for an ego boost."




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Everyday is Gimmel Tammuz

by the Sabra

Many people are asking me now, "What did you do for Gimmel Tammuz?".

They want to know.

This is usually preceded (or directly followed) by something to the effect of "I just got back from the Ohel, gosh the lines were long and I am exhausted. I am on the way now to a farbrengen (had one last night too) and I went to an excellent shiur this morning. So, what did you say you did?"

I don't think they intend to brag or compare, I think they just want to know.

And I answer-"Me? I davened with 4 Jewish kids this morning. Then I took them to the park. Then we went to an old age home and we sang for some elderly Jewish women. I also washed these children's hands and faces and gave them fresh chocolate cake. Then we played a game and colored on plastic papers. Oh! You mean what did I do specifically in honor of the day? Well, I made sure to say all 12 Pesukim with the kids. I tried to get Daniel to daven. I explained to a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old what it means to write a letter to the Rebbe, and then they wrote it. I prompted Leibel to shout 'we want moshiach now' and I clapped along encouragingly when he sang/demanded "ad mosai, do we have to wait, we want moshiach now, we don't want to wait.'

And then they say-"Oh, that's nice."

And they really think so, but they don't know what that has to do with their original question-what did I do for Gimmel Tammuz?

And I say (as if I hadn't been interrupted)- "And I wore my nice gold shoes in the sand. And I chatted with people I wanted to run away from. And I held the baby even though I didn't want to. And I started learning a maamer. And I said 'oh, it's my pleasure' when it wasn't (and then I spoke to myself till it really was my pleasure).

And then they say- "Oh, that's nice. That's really beautiful."

And again, they really think so, but again they don't know what that has to do with Gimmel Tammuz. (except maybe the maamer part)

And I say- "Wait, I'm not finished. I also chopped cucumbers, stirred green beans, and set out cold cuts and rolls for a bris."

And they say-"Oh, that's nice. But what does that have to do with Gimmel Tammuz?"

And I didn't say they were smug or smirking or provoking. They just want to know.

They want to know? So I tell them.

---

I tell them 'For me, every day is Gimmel Tammuz."

Huh?

"Every day, the Rebbe is not with us physically. Every day it's unfair and hard that the Rebbe is not here. Every day in golus is painful. The Rebbe wasn't taken away from me in Nun Daled. The Rebbe is taken away from me each and every day. And 'whichever day does not see the Rebbe, it is as if that day took him away'. It's day after day, month after month, yom tov after yom tov, year after year.
Every day is Gimmel Tammuz for me.
And every day the Rebbe is with me more and more.
My Rebbe wasn't ever taken away from me cuz I (barely) had a Rebbe before then. It wasn't 'here and then gone'. It's the same forever.
And since a neshama can do way more when it is not in a guf, I'm with the Rebbe more than you ever were.
The Rebbe guides my every day; The Rebbe tells me what to wear, what to learn, what to say and what to think.
For me, "Gimmel Tammuz didn't change a thing".
The Rebbe wants me to hold the backpack of a 4 yr old Yiddishe kinde, today like yesterday and tomorrow.
Every day is Gimmel Tammuz for me."

"Ahh", they answer, "But Gimmel Tammuz is not just a random mark of time. It's a spiritual mark of time. It's a yarhtzeit. An auspicious time when the neshama has an aliyah.."

And I burst out - "Aliyas Neshama? Vus fahr a aliyas neshama? The Rebbe has been standing outside of Gan Eden for thirteen years, yes thirteen years now, stubbornly refusing to enter until we are all taken out of golus!"

---

So what did I do this Gimmel Tammuz?
I tried getting the Rebbe a little closer to his goal.


www.altishalioti.blogspot.com


.

I Love My Life

some things never change
like the symphony of crickets chirping outside of my window

they lull me to sleep


so sleepy

eyes are droopy

heart is happy


this day was long and lived and loved
family bbq chill-outs are a blessing
not in disguise
B"H

eli is a rock

and one day when life slows to a peaceful crawl and i find some time to write, i will share the tale of the surprise gift
(new ipod and speakers who had their debut tonight)

thanks razelle
you are a lovely gazelle



.

Defiance

Listen up buster.

You have a problem with my idealism?
My faith?
My purpose in this world?

What's the alternative...?
To be a cynical, pessimistic loser like you?


Never.


For I have a G-d

And I have a soul.

And I have a Rebbe.

And I still believe with complete faith in the coming of Moshiach.
And though he may be stuck in traffic on the 405, I shall wait for him every day that he shall come.


So there.

a.g.n.

Good night my sisters everywhere.


How awesome is it.
That we all see.
The same exact moon.


Hashem rocks the house.

Thinking

Yossi says go private.
The world is full of crazy people.

Bluma says get over it.

Esty doesn't understand the whole blog world.
She has far more important things to do and has tuned me out long ago.

:)


~~~


What I want to know is What would the Rebbe say?



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A Post For One of Those Days

This is a post for you to come back and read one of those days when you're feeling kinda like a loser slash loner slash need someone to talk to person.





That day when all the clouds are grey.
And your friends have gone away.



Your memory draws a blank on all happy thoughts and occasions that may have happened in your life.





You forget you've ever done anything worthwhile.
You doubt anyone is thinking of you or missing you.
You can't find a single thing to smile about.





You feel sad.
You feel lonely.
You feel like nobody cares about you.
You feel like zero.

Well, aside from telling you that:

a. being unhappy is totally lame and
b. you are in control of your own happiness and
c. nobody likes depressed people and
d. you'll be out of it in no time and
e. you're not the only one who ever felt like this...

here are some suggestions to help you get out of your lame little funky state:


Go do something for someone.
Anything.
Buy someone a present.
Put on some awesome music.
(Preferably Jewish as the alternative is bad for the spirit as it is)

Color a picture in a coloring book.
Paint your room.
Change around the furniture.
Give away half of your closet to some friends who could use some clothes.
Drive somewhere with the windows closed and sing on top of your lungs.
Do a cartwheel.

Cry for all the little one with shattered lives and broken homes.
Laugh at yourself.
Go outside and smell a rose.
Hold a sleeping baby.
Make yourself a hot cocoa.
Send an email to all your buddies and wait for the replies to come in.




Go to sleep and wake up in the morning with the sunshine.

p.s.

still debating the whole privacy thing...

This Blog Is Going Private

Life is full of forks in roads.
To go left.
To go right.
The road less traveled is also less marked, leaving the traveler to their own disgression as to which way is the right way to go.

I've dabbled with the idea for some time now.
It's been fun.
Living on the edge and all...
But this shepherdess is relocating to safer pastures.
:)



p.s.
Email me for an invite.
If I don't know you and you want to be invited... have a friend of yours who's a friend of mine email me with your email address and I'll add you to the list.

orange you glad i didn't say banana

Here's wishing you a juicy, tangy, deliciously refreshing shabbos.
From your friend in the O.C.



p.s.
I picked up two of my nephews to spend shabbos with us.
We spent the night with my brothers kids.
Cousins on shlichus with the rare chance to hang out together...

This morning Menachem asks me if Yaakov is his cousin.
I say yes.
He says, "that means he can share his lunch with me".
:)

Shlichus.
It changes how you see everything.
Gotta love it.

Ice Cream Anyone??

Last week I came down with a horrible case of bad mood.
The doctors said it was a bug and I was highly contagious.
So they locked me up in quarantine for a few hours.

~~~

Did you ever go slip 'n' sliding and land a major belly flop that knocked the air out of your belly for the full ride till the end of the yellow slippery plastic?
And then get up and run right back to the end of the line for your next turn?
Kids are awesome.

~~~

Some welcome life's challenges as an opportunity for growth, strengthening of character and sensitivity to others.
Some use 'em as crutches of all colors, sizes and shapes to hobble through a life full of blaming others.

Who am I to judge?

~~~

Hashem only gives you what you can handle.
I can't handle a mosquito bite.
(ahem)

~~~

Snap, crackle, pop.
The sounds of breakfast.
Who was the first to invent the 'helicopter - vroom - open your mouth trick'?

~~~

Big brothers are so wise.

~~~

At times my opinion makes all the difference in the world.
At times my opinion is not even called for.
I'll shut up now.

;)

~~~

(p.s. have a totally chof sivan day. happy b-day to m.r.m. :)

Sister, Sister.

I wish I could take you with me wherever I go.
You are the balance on my seesaw.
You are the pride of my days.
The security of my nights.

I wish I could build a house next door to yours.
With joining kitchens and laundry rooms and backyards.

You cook like my mother.
You look like my soul.

You make me laugh.
You make me comfortable.
You make me normal.

You listen.
You nod.
You space out.
You space in.

You're there for me to lift me up.
To patch me up.
To fill me up.


Happy birthday sis.
I love you.

Over and Over and Over and Over.

Why is it that no matter how many times I fill up for gas, I always run out?
And need to fill up again.
And again.
And again.

It doesn't matter that I did it yesterday.

The bed.
The dishes.
The hair.
The smiles.
The shoulders.
The words.
The patience.
The joy.
The time.
The commitment.
The respect.
The hugs.
The understanding.

Need I say more?
Everyday is a whole new world.
See you on the other side of morning.
:)

Color In The Lines

Fly. Flit. Float.

I'm sitting frozen on the bench swing.
Facing the pool.
Two of them just landed on the pool gate, not far from the leftover challah from last shabbos.
I heard them just minutes ago chirping with their friends in the neighbors trees.
Playing.
Chasing.
Flitting.
The brave one takes the first daring leap off the gate.
Three more have joined...
They follow the leader to feast on half of a stale loaf from shwartz's bakery.
One man's trash is another birds lunch.

I'm afraid to move.
The swing begs to be swung.

My mind starts up with me.
Blog.
Must blog about this.
The words have already begun forming.
I'm sitting frozen on the bench swing...

~~~

Reminds me of a summer where I spent many days doing 1000 piece jugsaw puzzles, one after the other until I starting seeing puzzles every time I closed my eyes at night.
Then I started playing Tetris around the same time...which eventually led to puzzle shaped pieces falling in a Tetris game in the movie of my mind.

Then there was the time I was designing mezuza cases. Fabrics and colorful designs filled my room and my mind until I started seeing everything in life as a potential mezuza case design.
A patchwork couch.
A gold, orange, blue sunset.
An Oilily dress.

~~~

Years have passed.
My world is becoming a blog.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

;)

Gut shabbos shvesterlachinlachin.
(laughing sisters...i like)