Too Tired to Post

will just say this.
it's always a mitzvah to be happy.
in the month of adar it's an extra mitzvah.
do everything in your power.
Be joyous at all costs.
email me if you need help.
:)
love,
c

Central Station

Ever since we spoke about it I think of my head as a train station.

Sometimes the station is calm.
With only one train headed in one direction.

Other times the station is busy.
With hundreds of different tracks filled with hundreds of different trains of thought.
Ready to leave to hundreds of different destinations.

Sometimes I get stuck on a train and I can't get off.
I keep trying to jump off and catch another train.
Or just roll off and stop moving altogether.
The worst is when I'm davvening.
The N.H. sends me trains to all kinds of places as soon as I open the siddur.
Brat.
One day I hope to learn the skill of stopping a train of thought.
"Sorry," I'll say.
I"'m not going there today."

Tonight the hour is late.
All is quiet.
The conductors have gone to bed.


One lone train stands waiting patiently to leave.

This train of thought is leaving the station...


....................


Why do people feel the need to be right?

I wish being right was never invented.
All the evils of the world come from the desire to be right.
Ok, maybe not all of them.
But it makes life horrid...
Really.
Can someone please remove the part of the brain/heart that so desperately desires to be right?
Replace it with something more useful.
Like the the desperate desire to be honest.
Or the desperate desire to bake chocolate cupcakes for all the people you love.
Or just the plain old ability to be wrong.
For goodness sake.


Train
of
thought
slowing
to
a
halt.


....................


Good night.
Lights out at Central Station.

Here's wishing you an incredible day, full with the joys of tes adar.

L'Chaim to only riding on positive, uplifting, inspiring, constructive, happy, loverly and scenic trains of thought.

Eyeballs Hurt 1:07 am

Dear friends and extended blog family,

Feel free to pray for my video.
It is in need of a major triple bypass surgery plus some reconstructive work and a whole load of creative healing.

Please remind me the next time something like this comes up that I DON'T EDIT VIDEOS!!!
Or shoot them.
Or storyboard them.
Or critique them.
I don't do pre-production.
Post-production.
Production.
None of it.

Leave it to jono.
Thank you.

Signed,

Frustrated
and
Feeling
like
a
Failure
in
Shmateo.

p.s. Hope your shabbos is better than my video.

Chai Preschool

Memorable Memory #64

On grey cloudy days in Shmateo it's always handy to have a picture of sunny days to brighten things up.
Chol Hamoed in Laguna Beach 5766.
Yeah.
:)

Is it a pool or a swamp?

After two weeks of neglect I return to find a swamp in my backyard.
What happened to the pool?
The jacuzzi?
Where are the crystal clear waters?
All the memories of hot summer days?
The color blue???

In it's place stands a bright green cesspool.
Algae.
Yuck.

Being the pool man is no small title and two weeks in NY have clearly taken their toll.
I thank the creepy crawly for being of no help whatsoever as it keeps getting disconnected from the pump...
Yeah.
Whatever.
Nothing some chlorine, "no mor problems", a pool cleaning scrubber and pool net won't fix...
So I get to work.
Scrubbing, pouring, scrubbing, brushing...

The jacuzzi is looking like pea soup, and I'm starting to think.
Everything in life is a lesson.

So what is the pool compared to?
This train of thought is leaving the station...................
......................................................................................
......................................................................................

But then I started thinking.
That I should probably just stop thinking.
Quick.
And instead go take care of the myriad of things I need to do today before leaving for Shmateo on a 6:00 flight.

So I will not tell you all of the comparisons I came up with.
About how if you have all the tools in life but are not connected to anything - the tools don't work...and if you...
:)
shhhhhh.

Ok.
It's my birthday today.
I will give you a bracha with the power we are granted to bless on this day of our birth:

You should be blessed with an abundance of revealed good.
You should always have good role models.
You should be healthy so you can fulfill your purpose at every moment.
You should be happy so you can be a light unto others.
You should know who you are and why you were created.
You should always be surrounded by good people.
And when you're not you should have the strength to remember yourself and not let them squash you.
You should trust that Hashem knows what He is doing and this should remove all worry from your heart.

n'eNow!!!!!

Love,
Chana Bas Ita Menucha

Memories of Purim 5766

Chevron for Purim with Feter Elik and cousin Chanale.
Can it get better than this?
I'll keep you posted.















There's nothing like walking down the street surrounded by Israeli soldiers.
Facing an army of thousands of Arabs...
A small handful of brave Jews holding down the fort till Moshiach comes.


















What will you be for Purim this year?

I want to be married.

:)

Rosh Chodesh Adar 5767

משנכנס אדר מרבין בשמחה

Ah Gutte Voch.
Ah Gutten Chodesh.
Ah Freilichen Adar.

The joy has begun!
Smiles are appearing everywhere!
Babies are laughing.
Children are dancing.
Music is blaring from the loudspeakers.
Untza, untza, untza, untza...
Hearts beat to the beat.

Give someone a hug - it's ADAR!
Feel it in the air.
Breathe in the happiness.
Let it fill you.
Bring back all the good memories.
Take out all the good vibes from the closet of your mind.
Whistle.
Click your heels -it's ADAR!!!

:)
Hoorah!

Stranded in NY

Everything is going wrong...
:(
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.


When you say something went wrong, what are you saying?
Is there a wrong when it comes to hashgacha pratis?
Is there a wrong when it comes to Hashem's plans?


Just because it isn't what I had in mind, does that make it wrong?


Ahhh.
Yes.
Indeed.
Everything is going right...
:)
Right.
Right.
Right

From frozen toes to runny nose...
Here's sending you good vibes from the stranded trio.

Refuah Shelaima to all.
Amein.

Am I My Sister's Judge?

How can I judge you?
Have I walked in your shoes?
And even if I did, was I wearing your feet?
And even if I was, am I living your life?

I don’t sleep in your bed.

I can’t see in your head.

All I have is my bed and my head instead…

I wasn’t there the day it rained and you got stuck with no boots.
I wasn’t there when you looked in the mirror and wished you could disappear.
Or the time you were so misunderstood you cried yourself to sleep.

I wasn’t there when you felt so alone.
With no one to care or to share.
I wasn’t there when you tripped on a stone.
And thought that life just wasn’t fair.

Maybe your sister was mean.
Maybe your mom liked to scream.
Maybe you had a miserable day.
Maybe you wished you could build yourself a cave.
And crawl right in to stay.

Maybe you felt you could never succeed.
Maybe they said you were ugly.

Maybe your favorite person in the whole entire world.
Had to go.
And never returned.
Who knows?

Is there a hole in your heart?
A wound so deep you cover it with knives?
So sharp no one can come close?
So scared to be hurt again…

How can I judge you if we’ve only met?
And even if we’ve lived a lifetime together…

Have I looked in your mind?
Have I sipped from your tea?

Have I written an entry in your diary?

The Loss of Innocence

It's been a heavy week.
Bittersweet.
Good and Bad swirled into one.
In this city where so much holiness was spread to the world the princes and princesses have lost their way.
I see the children of the king playing in the mud.
Clothing torn.
Faces streaked with unfamiliar thoughts.
Hand-me-downs from the street urchins.
Borrowed ideas from the scruffy paupers and ignorant fools.
My heart aches.
Broken.
Sad.
Sadder than I've been in months.

Last time I was here things were different.
We sat and talked.
And walked.
And shared.
You seemed so comfortable with yourself.
Your life.
Things were so simple and true and real.
How could I not see it coming?
How could I not know that inside something was changing.
Doubts were beginning to form.
A sense of anxiety.
A lack of peace.
Cold replaced warmth.
The loss of innocence.

Sometimes i cry.
Dear Hashem,
Please tell me.
What do you want from us?
You put us in this world.
You demand so much from us.
And yet.
Every step of the way there's a stumbling block.
Every second there's a battle.
A struggle.
A choice.
A pressure.
A voice.
Two voices.
Constantly fighting.
One minute we think we've won only to find ourselves up against an even bigger wall.
There's that voice mocking us.
"You think you're a believer? You small minded baby. You sheltered long socked girl."

You send us sadness and friends who drag us down.
You give us a peek at things we shouldn't see.
Thoughts we shouldn't think.
Places we wish we never went.


A dear friend said it so well:

"I feel intoxicated with nonsense. I need a detox diet quick! Whats a girl to do? I hate it. I hate that there are 2 "worlds" I hate that they are so close, almost fused as one. I hate that we think we can live two lives. I hate that we think this garbage doesnt affect us.
Why are we so involved in the world, why do we have such a hard time living the Jewish way. Why is it so much easier to read a magazine than it is to read the parsha?
Its a brutal life out there. I want a fresh page, i want to melt away anything i have ever seen. I want to strain out the garbage............ Enough is enough."

The ponderous child is working on inventing the eraser.
That wonderous tool that goes into our minds and deletes all those things that don't belong.
Althe thoughts we picked up from hollywood.
Ideas that are foreign to holiness.
Images that work against everything we were created for.

Oh Bubby.
Why can't we all just fast forward and become you?
Peacefully Jewish.
Beyond the struggles of adolecence.
Past the battles of youth.
The challenges of peer pressure.
The doubts.
The what ifs.
Proudly sitting in your place at the kitchen table.
Shepping nachas from your tree of life.


.............


But I have hope.
The snow still falls.
And the city sleeps.
Tomorrow is another day.

I still believe in you.
You may stumble, but you are made from the toughest stuff on earth.
You are a warrior.
Fighting for your soul.
Taken from the highest, most incredible place.
And brought down to the lowest, most incredible place.
A place full of opportunity.
The ability to transform the most vile to the most awesome.

You go girl.
Rock on.
Keep kicking.
I love you.

This One

something.
about.
the.
snow.
makes.
my.
heart.
grow.


it's a feeling i rarely get growing up in southern california.
the chest expands, the smile widens.
i feel like singing.
laughing out loud.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
breathe in.
breathe out.
i love the snow.
:)

...............


i remember the first time i ever thought beyond myself.

i must have been around 8 years old.
we were in the car on our way to school with bluma, bentzy, raizel, nd, eli and myself.
ta was driving and was probably telling us to grab the cokes from the coca cola truck that was passing or to choose the car we wanted from the car carrier truck beside us.

i was looking outside of the window into the car next to me.
there was a man.
or a woman.
maybe both.
who can remember.
this is not the point.
the point is that there were people in the car beside us.
as i was looking at these people it suddenly dawned on me.
this incredible idea...
the people in the car next to me were real people.
their own people.
with their own lives.
and their own jobs.
they had fathers and mothers.
children.
dogs, cats.
feelings.
they got splinters.
they had suspenders.
or didn't.
they liked chocolate and apple pie and organic muffins.
they laughed, cried, suffered and sang.

till then my perception was this.
i lived in a house with my family.






but my family didn't have their own lives.
they were only there because i needed a family.
when we went to school there were cars around us with people in the cars.
but the people didn't have their own lives.
they weren't actually going anywhere.
they were only there because I was on my way to school and there had to be other people on the freeway.
oh how small the world is when you're 8.
and how it grows with you.

the snow continues to fall.
the flight continues to be unknown.

to fly.
or not to fly.
that is the question.

nbst cannot get over the fact the second cousins can marry one another.
cflg cannot get over the fact that people in this world are so shallow.
cll cannot get over the fact that waking up early is overrated.

i bid thee all a fabulous night.
thanks for listening to my rambling.
hope it makes sense...

not sure why i shared.
actually i do.
:)

Brrrrrrr.

Regards from freezing NY.

HELP.

must.

find.

shelter.

no gloves.
no hat.
no earmuffs.
no snow boots.
no car.
no motorcycle.
no fireplace.

just red ears.
red nose.
runny eyes.
cold hands.
cold feet.

warm heart.

:)

Pink Obsessed

I walk in to the office this morning to find Sheindel D...















Back from the shoe store in her new pink shoes.

Imagine a life that revolves around one color.















Oh the joys of childhood.















:)

Wishing you a pink day.
From Sheindel D.

The Girl with the Long Knee Socks

They said it like it was a bad word.
Like it was something to be ashamed of.

Sheltered.

It was that feeling you got when someone cursed.
And then everyone stared at you and there was an awkward silence...

It was the looks you received when your mother didn't let you go to see the musical your whole class was going to because it wasn't appropriate...

It was how they watched you when you had to leave early from the bat mitzvah party because the mixed dancing had begun...

The way they smiled at each other.

Like they knew something you didn't know.

Like they were the lucky ones.

And you were the sheltered ones.

................


Time flies by like clouds passing in the sky...

Looking back makes me think:

Yeah.
We were sheltered.

Sheltered from the premature death of childhood.

From the corruptions of hollywood.

From the mindlessness of magazines.

From the emptiness of glamour.

From the disrespect of elders.

From the disregard for others.

From the unholiness in society.

From the evils of the world.


If only I knew then what I know now.
I would have thanked my parents for every moment.


Thanks for the simple years.
For the unadulterated childhood.
For the innocence as long as it lasted.


L'chaim to the naive, sheltered, chabad girls...with the long knee socks and refreshingly happy smiles.

Nostalgia

Once upon a time there lived a little girl.
And the little girl was happy.
For what was there to be unhappy about...
And although she didn't have many things, she was content.
All she knew was her little world of family, school, friends and play.
Life was good.
Sweet.
Full hot summers and baseball games.

But the little girl grew up.
And things changed...


...................



It happens to me every time.
Whether it's looking through a box of childhood pictures.
Or reading an old letter from a friend.
Or flipping through a yearbook filled with scribbled notes from classmates...

It takes me on that not-so-often traveled road down memory lane.
And suddenly I have the overwhelming urge to call everyone.
My old classmates.
Buddies.
Cousins.

Hi!
How are you?
How's life?
Remember me?
Remember us?

I want to talk to you like we're in our pj's reading books in bed in your house when I came to sleep over for shabbos.

I want it to be like we're back in school eating hot lunch on the grass.

Like we're on the bus on the way to Arizona to hike the grand canyon.

Like we're running down the street all bundled up and laughing the night of the first snow storm in NY.

Young and innocent.
Trusting.
Refreshingly simple.

I wish we could pick up where we left off.

Last time we got together I had somehow forgotten.
I got distracted by things that seemed different about you.
I forgot that under that new haircut it was still you.

I wish we could just go back to the way it was...
When things were simple.
When did we become so sophisticated?
So complicated?
So important?

Hi.
Remember?
It's just me.

I'm still that little girl.

Regards from Shmateo!

Shalom My Friends

Ramblings from flight 668 to LAX.

Wishing you ah gutte voch mit brocheh hatzlacheh yeshuos refuos un nachas un chein…from high above the clouds on this lovely motzei shabbos...

You know, I love going away to shluchim. I think I should go once a month. It reminds me why we do what we do even when we do it on a daily basis cuz we can get caught up in the details, the daily annoyances, the deadlines, the emotions, the rent, the things we need to exist, the rat tat tat of every day life…

Don’t forget from where you’re from,

There’s a child in everyone.

Just a soldier in HIS army…

(excerpt from one of 13 hit songs on the brand-new upcoming 8^th day album to be released iy’h purim 5767. YAHOO!!)

Ok. So it's like this...

I wish I could have a little red light that would start to flash in my brain whenever I start to judge someone else. Just a reminder.

I wish I could turn all of my powers of judgment inwards and never notice imperfections in others.

Sometimes I think about what incredible world it would be if every night when the world went to sleep they would say Ribono Shel Olam Hareini Mochel...from the Shma…with kavanah and serious thought as to what they are saying.

Imagine if everyone forgave anyone for everything and anything they ever did to them.

“Master of the Universe I forgive anyone…who hurt me or sinned against me…whether it was bodily harm, money issues, against my honor…on purpose, by mistake…through speech or action….whether it was in this lifetime or a past lifetime…(read it in the English for full impact of awesomeness)

Sheeshkabobs.
I love this prayer!!!

It is an AWESOME concept.

Very difficult to do with a whole heart every single night…but AWESOME.

What a healthy world.

If I forgive you it’s kinda like I’m doing a mitzvah for you without you even knowing.

Tzedaka of the highest form.

:)

Nice.

No more grudges.
No more unhealthy thoughts.
No more negative energy.
What a way to end your day.

Sometimes I wish there was a video camera that could record us whenever we do something annoying…

When we’re insensitive, selfish, unfair, rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, inconsiderate…

And then whenever we make a judgment of someone else, that same scenario would be played out in our minds…of the time when we did the same thing.

Exactly the same thing.
Maybe even worse.
But the reactions are diametrically opposite.

When it comes to you, you make every excuse in the book.
You saw it from 50 different angles and explained why what you did in was in no way insensitive, selfish, unfair, rude, disrespectful, ungrateful or inconsiderate…
You forgot and forgave.

Because you love yourself more than anything in the world.
:)
duh.

Hmmm…

When it came to the other person…things were slightly different.

You jumped to conclusions, barely giving them a chance to explain.
Or maybe you didn’t even let them explain.
Sent them to the dogs.

You probably said some things to them.
Or just thought them.
Things that if they were said to you – or knew they were being thought about you- you would have been insulted for days.

This is what it means “Love your fellow as yourself”.

Love your fellow Jew more than anything in the world.
Make excuses for them like you would make for yourself.
Forgive them like you forgive yourself.
Love them so much you have an intense desire to protect and defend them whenever they do something seemingly wrong.

L'chaim my fellow Jews.
A Gutte nacht.
Gutte voch.

It’s nice to be back.

This post is dedicated to the birthday, health and long life of Bubby F. and all trees.

Note to Self

Did you ever have a situation where you misjudged someone's reaction to something you did.
Or misread a well intended comment.
Or assumed the worst.
Or totally freaked out and called everyone you knew to share your grief...?

That night you can't sleep.
You are disturbed.
Heavy.
Shaken to the core.
You replay the entire conversation in your head.
What you should have said.
Should have done.
(Toss)
Why?
How?
(Turn)
When will you ever learn.
How will you face tomorrow?

And then tomorrow comes.
An email awaits.
Or a phone call.
Maybe it's just a smile or a comment that makes you realize...
It was nothing.
Nothing at all.
Nadda.
Zippo.
Zilch.
They were never even upset!
You imagined the whole darned thing.
Sheesh.
It was all in your head.

You start to sing.
Happy.
Light.
Floating.
Oh the relief.
The freedom.
That feeling of gratitude.
The sun shines again and everything is good.

You promise yourself it won't happen again.
That the next time something like this comes up you won't react this way.
You'll think best case scenario.
Not worst.
Not "she's for sure mad at me."
Or "it was all my fault."
Or "why am I so stupid. i hate myself."
No.
Next time will be different.
Next time you'll have clarity.
Or better, there won't be a next time.
:)

As if.
Just happened to me.
Again.
Still haven't come up with a resolution to this life long predicament.

Note to self:
If you think you messed up...chances are you probably didn't.
And even if you did, you're only human.
And life goes on...
So relax.
Don't take yourself too seriously.
And remember.
People who can laugh at themselves are the best kinds of people.