Confessions of a People Pleaser
Yes, yes, yes.
Smile.
Sure!
No problem.
Oh, my pleasure.
So not a big deal...
Of course!
Any time.
Life as a people pleaser was good.
I was liked.
You were happy.
Everything was wonderful.
~~~
Then one year I was hired as a teacher at a new school.
The seasoned and slightly fatigued staff welcomed me with warning looks.
And words of doom...
"Look out, they will take advantage of you. Don't be too nice. Be sure to say no!"
And so I did.
~~~
No.
Nope.
Sorry.
Busy.
Gotta go.
Uh, uh.
Maybe later.
Days followed weeks followed months.
The school year was nearly done.
Then one fine day the sweetest, kindest rabbi in all of school approached me, asking for my help with a program for a group of college students.
As usual, I proudly stood my ground.
And with a firm shake of the head, the newly strong, stand-up-for-myself-me apologized.
I was unavailable.
We turned to walk away.
I took a few steps.
Then my heart came crashing down.
From that place where it had been stuck all year.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!
You would love to help... and especially college students... not to mention that this rabbi is the nicest rabbi who goes out of his way to help everyone no matter what no matter who... and what happened to you anyways???"
Sa-wing batta' batta'.
Talk about extremes...
So where's the balance?
~~~
The bottom line is this.
People pleasing is not a problem.
Being a "yes man" is not a bad thing either.
The problem is that most of the time people pleasing is not about pleasing the people.
It's about being liked.
How many times did you do something for a cause, when the cause was really you?
True, it's better to do the kindness for the wrong reasons than not at all...
But there's a time when you need to stop and take a good look at your life.
Why do I do what I do?
How important is it to me that I be liked?
Is this what motivates my goodness?
So yeah, go right ahead, please the people.
When you can of course.
Be pleasant.
Be friendly.
Go out of your way to do another person a kindness.
But remember:
"Life is about helping people, not about them liking you". - B.M. (L.)
15 comments:
i must say that si so true.. so hwo does one go about doign in favours for teh sake of helping others and not just to be liked or for other selfish reasons...?
AND WHO ENDED UP HELPING WITH THE COLLEGE STUDENTS?
aha.
you both bring up fabulous points.
allow me to address the wacky typer first: (nahama, patience is a virtue)
You must first take a meditative moment to be entirely honest with yourself and think about the reasons why you do things for others.
(Not all people fall into this category of selfish giving so don't be too hard on yourself)
If you do find yourself at fault here, just identifying the fact that you do this is the greatest and most effective step.
Beware:
There is a danger in doing good for the sake of doing good and not for your own selfish desires.
The danger is that at first you may end up doing less good than you did before when it was all about you...
(gotta run - more when i return)
Chasidus explains that at the end of the day love is always selfish. Maybe it is not to find favor in someone else's eyes but in your own. Maybe YOU want to feel good by doing someone a favor.
Imagine someone you know is in need of money to pay for a wedding
You really care so you collect half the amount needed. You plan to slip an enveloppe under the door the next morning. No one will ever know it was you so you'll never be thanked. Sounds selfless.
Suddenly a rich guy pops up,a distant cousin maybe, hears about the case and on the spot writes out a check covering the entire wedding. To him it doesn't mean much. He has plenty.
Will you be upset?
YOU were going to help!
YOU cared!
Who is he to care?
Or will you be happy for them that they were helped more than you would ever be able to?
Were you really selfless?
A more extreme case:
When you see someone you love drowning and you dive in to rescue him/her when chances are you will drown together, this might be because YOU cannot live without the other person.
All this is philosophy. To the recipients of your kindness it doesn't matter the intention. Just be nice and help for whatever reason you want as long as it gets done.
hey its the4 wacky typer here, well lol about teh warning, it rlly made me crack up.. its so ironic*
anon, thansk for teh clarification, extremely intersting. so that pretty much demontrates maaseh hu haikar, bhtu then what about one shoudlnt do a mitzvah through an averiha... btu i suppose at teh end of the day its all human nature
*is the word ironic or ironical?
yes yes. all true and good.
the specific case here is the people pleaser.
is there never a higher level to try to reach?
just because "in the end it's all selfish" does that mean we should just throw up our hands and say, "oh well, good is all selfish anyways...may as well gloat about doing it."
the unhealthiness of the giving of a people pleaser is that the main purpose of giving is to be liked by others.
selfish aside, this comes from an unhealthy place where one views themself through others opinions of them.
sometimes when one is on automatic pilot, just living and doing what they've always done from birth, it's time to sit down with self and get to know why self does what self does.
the results can be shocking.
and there's always room for growth.
(in the end it still makes YOU feel better about doing good. :) darn.
well, i'm sure the aibishter is desired this kind of giving more than the previous...)
bottom line - you're right.
go learn chassidus.
nothing beats it.
:)
ps ironic will suffice
pps
nahama - me.
;)
we had such a goodly time.
you should have some kind of warning sign:
requires
hard
work.
enter
at your own
risk.
your weak points
might be discussed.
thanks for another bop-on-the-head (wake up call)
Ok cookie let's focus on the people pleaser.
people pleaser may be motivated by different things.
One may be suffering from low self esteem. In that case the pleasing fufills a personal need.
It doesn't build his self esteem but he enjoys being submisive.
This person will not be going around saying how special he is because he held the door open for the president. He will enjoy the actual door holding.
Most of us experience these people as annoying and in need of psychological help.
Then there might be the average people pleaser as discussed in the previous post. It boils down to being selfish but it is the healthy way to interact.
Then there might be someone who does good for the sake of doing good. Avraham avinu put the middas hachesed out of business when he was around.
This is indeed a problem.
Avraham was good to everyone. He didn't need a son Yitschak because he had Yishmael. To Avraham that was enough. He had a son so he had someone to overwhelm with his kindnes.
Hashem disagreed.
Chesed needs to be mixed with gevura. One shouldn't treat animals the way he treats humans.
A few days after the Tsunami I heard a radio show discussing the horrible effects it had on a specific type of turtle that lived near Thailand. It was no longer chesed. It was cruelty.
Bottom line. Let's be selfish in a good way.
this post is esser.
utterly and entirely superb.
o and re the chassidus,love, selfish, paying for a wedding-
thats where end of perek aleph tanya comes in. goyim would feel bad that they weren't the ones to 'save' the wedding.
sabrale,
how was the wedding?????????????
u have an hour?
;)
actually i do.
email me.
or actually i can email you...
k fine.
meet you over yonder in cyberville.
Good words.
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