The Loss of Innocence

It's been a heavy week.
Bittersweet.
Good and Bad swirled into one.
In this city where so much holiness was spread to the world the princes and princesses have lost their way.
I see the children of the king playing in the mud.
Clothing torn.
Faces streaked with unfamiliar thoughts.
Hand-me-downs from the street urchins.
Borrowed ideas from the scruffy paupers and ignorant fools.
My heart aches.
Broken.
Sad.
Sadder than I've been in months.

Last time I was here things were different.
We sat and talked.
And walked.
And shared.
You seemed so comfortable with yourself.
Your life.
Things were so simple and true and real.
How could I not see it coming?
How could I not know that inside something was changing.
Doubts were beginning to form.
A sense of anxiety.
A lack of peace.
Cold replaced warmth.
The loss of innocence.

Sometimes i cry.
Dear Hashem,
Please tell me.
What do you want from us?
You put us in this world.
You demand so much from us.
And yet.
Every step of the way there's a stumbling block.
Every second there's a battle.
A struggle.
A choice.
A pressure.
A voice.
Two voices.
Constantly fighting.
One minute we think we've won only to find ourselves up against an even bigger wall.
There's that voice mocking us.
"You think you're a believer? You small minded baby. You sheltered long socked girl."

You send us sadness and friends who drag us down.
You give us a peek at things we shouldn't see.
Thoughts we shouldn't think.
Places we wish we never went.


A dear friend said it so well:

"I feel intoxicated with nonsense. I need a detox diet quick! Whats a girl to do? I hate it. I hate that there are 2 "worlds" I hate that they are so close, almost fused as one. I hate that we think we can live two lives. I hate that we think this garbage doesnt affect us.
Why are we so involved in the world, why do we have such a hard time living the Jewish way. Why is it so much easier to read a magazine than it is to read the parsha?
Its a brutal life out there. I want a fresh page, i want to melt away anything i have ever seen. I want to strain out the garbage............ Enough is enough."

The ponderous child is working on inventing the eraser.
That wonderous tool that goes into our minds and deletes all those things that don't belong.
Althe thoughts we picked up from hollywood.
Ideas that are foreign to holiness.
Images that work against everything we were created for.

Oh Bubby.
Why can't we all just fast forward and become you?
Peacefully Jewish.
Beyond the struggles of adolecence.
Past the battles of youth.
The challenges of peer pressure.
The doubts.
The what ifs.
Proudly sitting in your place at the kitchen table.
Shepping nachas from your tree of life.


.............


But I have hope.
The snow still falls.
And the city sleeps.
Tomorrow is another day.

I still believe in you.
You may stumble, but you are made from the toughest stuff on earth.
You are a warrior.
Fighting for your soul.
Taken from the highest, most incredible place.
And brought down to the lowest, most incredible place.
A place full of opportunity.
The ability to transform the most vile to the most awesome.

You go girl.
Rock on.
Keep kicking.
I love you.