Sunday, August 26, 2007

Close Mine Eyes




























bs'd

Crown Heights in August.

It's muggy and humid with just the right amount of green to make it bearable.

~~~~

We're sitting on the porch swing.

Bubby swings with her feet in those sturdy black shoes from Israel.
The ones she says are "the best".

She thinks they're from Tsfat and calls my aunt who lives there to send her a new pair every not-so-often.
Little does she know my aunt needs to shlep all the way to Yerushalayim or Bnei Brak to buy them.
She never told her.

~~~~

Bubby swings us.
Forward, backward.

Then sideways.
Side to side to side.
Forward, then sideways.
She looks at me.


"Which way do you like better?"

:)

She laughs.

Bubby has the best laugh.

Friday, August 24, 2007

blink




















We've never met
And may never again

Yet we sway to the same tune
And sing to the same song

And dance with eyes open, closed

I'm in a huge stadium surrounded on all sides by fellow Jewish maidens
Music is so unifying
It breaks down all barriers with people like language or opinion

Arms wrapped around strangers, sisters

Avremel steps out on the field.
No music
Just one voice
"Lama lama ma, nikra..."
Hundreds of thousands of voices
"...Moriah, al shem hamor hatov al shem hamor hatov..."


Totally overwhelmed by the sweet voices
And sweet words
In this holy land flowing with sweetness


All alone


Just a soul in a sea of souls
Crying
Just standing and listening and watching and swaying back and forth and back and forth



I love my people



It was a taste of moshiach
see you there


:)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Today I woke up.



















Raindrops are falling.


The rain pitters and patters.
Cozy.
So cozy.
Warm and toasty.


It's hard to get up on days like these.

Hard to work.
Hard to be proactive.
Hard to make decisions.
Hard to make plans.
Hard to be inspired.

~~~

Makes me think how some people have rainy lives.

And keep waiting for the weather of their lives to clear up.


Keep waiting for the rain to stop...
The skies to clear...
The sun to come out...

Then I'll get up.
Then I'll get on with life.
Then I'll start to live.


Till then they just curl up in bed with a hot cocoa and a good book.
Just waiting for a better day.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Till the cocoa ain't so hot.
And the book lost its charm.
So sad.

~~~

Sometimes the rains can last for quite some time.
And if they do, paint your walls yellow.
Invite all the happy people over to your place.
Plant flowers that grow well with rain.
Buy bright umbrellas and silly boots.
Play songs that make the heart laugh.


Choose life.

Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life. Choose life.


Choose.
type it enough times and it starts to look funny.
choose.
choose.
choose.
like kaboose.
hehe.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Perspective

































In the little synagogue near the big park we would meet.

Every Monday night at six.

A 24 year old chabadnikah with a 60 year old Jewess.

The two of us were meant to share an hour together, every Monday night for two years, with the purpose of studying Torah.
Although I must admit she was more interested in hearing about the goings on of my life than the portion of the week.
Every time I tried teaching the holy words she would interrupt me with yet another question: On life.
And family.
And work.
And love.

Love.
Alas the older woman seemed to be lacking in this precious resource.
Story after story emerged of her failed marriage, her failed mother daughter relationships, her failed self worth and failed feelings of accomplishment.

As time wore on it seemed she began to live vicariously through the life of her Monday night other.
My days were hers and she looked forward to each one.

~~~~~

It was a night like any other.

The Torah lesson from the week before had revolved around the exciting prospect of my pending date with an anonymous young gentleman.

We had discussed the whole shidduch system (no - we're not set up from birth, no - we don't have to marry if we don't want...) and what I should wear, say, do, etc.
She made me promise a full report on my return this week.

I had returned.
And alas, the report was no good.

She walked into the shul.
Or should I say ran.
I've never her seen her so ecstatic...

she: HOW WAS IT????
me: There's nothing to be excited about.

she: Tell me all about it!!!
me: There's nothing to tell, it didn't work out.

she: I'm so happy for you!!!! (huge smile)
me: (getting frustrated) What don't you understand? There's nothing to be happy about...I didn't like him.

she: It doesn't matter whether or not the date went well....
You went out...
You're young...
You're alive!
You're dating!!!

I'm so happy for you.

~~~~~~

I left that Monday night in an infinitely better mood.
With a whole new appreciation for the small things in life.
The ones that should leave us up rather than down.

Thanks E.


absence makes the heart grow fonder

































the sky this morning is covered by clouds

i sit on bubby's porch
the only ones awake at this wee hour are the ultra pious, the ultra responsible and the housekeepers
i love jetlag the kind that makes me wake up with the sun

only today there is no sun.
just clouds

i can remember the first conscious time i flew in a plane on a cloudy cloudy day

it was cold
and gray
and sad
in may

and we rose above the clouds on wings through pillows of moisture

when suddenly there was the sun
shining
shining so so brightly
and it hit that young pigtailed, brown haired, brown eyed child

the sun was there all along

it is always shining
whether we see it or not
come snow come storm
come wind come clouds
come sadness come heartbreak

come home


i like this lesson

:)

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Dedicated to Sabra

We missed the last bus from tverya so we hailed a taxi.
Still haven't figured out the difference between arab and secular israeli drivers.
This one is no exception.
Warily, we enter the vehicle.
Your name?
Avi.
From Jerusalem.

Smiles all around.

Avi is in a mood that is not good.
And we are in his car.
So he begins to speak.
Angry.
Sad.
Of Israel and it's government.
Of soldiers and hands tied and world opinion and America and money.
Of us and our cozy lives far from the violence.

He mourns aloud for twenty minutes or so.
Then all is silent.

So what is the solution?

Avi doesn't skip a beat...
Moshiach.
Of course.
There is no other answer.
(hand on head) I may not wear a kippah, but I believe...

Walla.
:)
I love my people.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Titolo

The mosquito just flew by the screen.
It's 4:33 am Italian time.
I am lagged by a jet.
And trying mighty hard not to get bitten.


Wanna know something real cool about being in Italy?
I log into my blog and find stuff like:

visualizza blog.
crea.
modifica post.
modera commenti
operazione completata
ora blogger consente di salvare le tue bozze automaticamente!

(ten blog points if you figure out what they mean)


Then the keyboard's got all these neat little things like:

è
é
ò
ç
°
à
ù
§

Instead of end it says fine.
And enter says invio.


But ESC still says ESC.
:)


K.
I'm gonna try to go to sleep.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Excuse Me



















who are you?
what makes you who you are?
your job?
your family?
your hobbies?
your tastes?
what you like to do on the weekend?

who am i?
am i my quirks?
my friends?
my wardrobe?
my talents?
the things i like to talk about?
the things i like to do?


strip away the layers and reveal your soul.
i'm sick and tired of layers.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Groundhog Day



























Melancholy breeds depth
Depth breeds thought
Thought breeds creativity
Creativity breeds art

~~~

Life is simply refreshing
And delightfully busy

B"H
I have no time to think
Or write

~~~

Breathe in and enjoy

The fresh scent of summer
The blessing of family
The energy of concerts
The power of special people
The joy of creating someone else's yesterday


L'chaim
To days so full, there's no time to blog

:)

Monday, June 25, 2007

Hairless & Speechless




































Sarah has been on chemo now for over four years.

A tall thin girl to begin with, she has lost much weight as well as much hair.

Sarah looks so frail and blue, with her lungs lacking oxygen so it's hard to breath or talk.


Life can not be easy.


Yet she sits.
And smiles.
Breathlessly chatting with me about her upcoming visit to California.



I tell her,
"Sarah, you are amazing."

She tells me,
"Chani, I'm not coming to California for an ego boost."




.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Everyday is Gimmel Tammuz

by the Sabra


Many people are asking me now, "What did you do for Gimmel Tammuz?".

They want to know.

This is usually preceded (or directly followed) by something to the effect of "I just got back from the Ohel, gosh the lines were long and I am exhausted. I am on the way now to a farbrengen (had one last night too) and I went to an excellent shiur this morning. So, what did you say you did?"

I don't think they intend to brag or compare, I think they just want to know.

And I answer-"Me? I davened with 4 Jewish kids this morning. Then I took them to the park. Then we went to an old age home and we sang for some elderly Jewish women. I also washed these children's hands and faces and gave them fresh chocolate cake. Then we played a game and colored on plastic papers. Oh! You mean what did I do
specifically in honor of the day? Well, I made sure to say all 12 Pesukim with the kids. I tried to get Daniel to daven. I explained to a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old what it means to write a letter to the Rebbe, and then they wrote it. I prompted Leibel to shout 'we want moshiach now' and I clapped along encouragingly when he sang/demanded "ad mosai, do we have to wait, we want moshiach now, we don't want to wait.'

And then they say-"Oh, that's nice."

And they really think so, but they don't know what that has to do with their original question-what did I do for Gimmel Tammuz?

And I say (as if I hadn't been interrupted)- "And I wore my nice gold shoes in the sand. And I chatted with people I wanted to run away from. And I held the baby even though I didn't want to. And I started learning a maamer. And I said 'oh, it's my pleasure' when it wasn't (and then I spoke to myself till it really was my pleasure).

And then they say- "Oh, that's nice. That's really beautiful."

And again, they really think so, but again they don't know what that has to do with Gimmel Tammuz. (except maybe the maamer part)

And I say- "Wait, I'm not finished. I also chopped cucumbers, stirred green beans, and set out cold cuts and rolls for a bris."

And they say-"Oh, that's nice. But what does that have to do with Gimmel Tammuz?"

And I didn't say they were smug or smirking or provoking. They just want to know.

They want to know? So I tell them.

---

I tell them 'For me, every day is Gimmel Tammuz."

Huh?

"Every day, the Rebbe is not with us physically. Every day it's unfair and hard that the Rebbe is not here. Every day in golus is painful. The Rebbe wasn't taken away from me in Nun Daled. The Rebbe is taken away from me each and every day. And 'whichever day does not see the Rebbe, it is as if that day took him away'. It's day after day, month after month, yom tov after yom tov, year after year.
Every day is Gimmel Tammuz for me.
And every day the Rebbe is with me more and more.
My Rebbe wasn't ever taken away from me cuz I (barely) had a Rebbe before then. It wasn't 'here and then gone'. It's the same forever.
And since a neshama can do way more when it is not in a guf, I'm with the Rebbe more than you ever were.
The Rebbe guides my every day; The Rebbe tells me what to wear, what to learn, what to say and what to think.
For me, "Gimmel Tammuz didn't change a thing".
The Rebbe wants me to hold the backpack of a 4 yr old Yiddishe kinde, today like yesterday and tomorrow.
Every day is Gimmel Tammuz for me."

"Ahh", they answer, "But Gimmel Tammuz is not just a random mark of time. It's a spiritual mark of time. It's a yarhtzeit. An auspicious time when the neshama has an aliyah.."

And I burst out - "Aliyas Neshama? Vus fahr a aliyas neshama? The Rebbe has been standing outside of Gan Eden for thirteen years,
yes thirteen years now, stubbornly refusing to enter until we are all taken out of golus!"

---

So what did I do this Gimmel Tammuz?
I tried getting the Rebbe a little closer to his goal.


www.altishalioti.blogspot.com


.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I Love My Life


























some things never change
like the symphony of crickets chirping outside of my window

they lull me to sleep


so sleepy

eyes are droopy

heart is happy


this day was long and lived and loved
family bbq chill-outs are a blessing
not in disguise
B"H

eli is a rock

and one day when life slows to a peaceful crawl and i find some time to write, i will share the tale of the surprise gift
(new ipod and speakers who had their debut tonight)

thanks razelle
you are a lovely gazelle



.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Defiance

Listen up buster.

You have a problem with my idealism?
My faith?
My purpose in this world?

What's the alternative...?
To be a cynical, pessimistic loser like you?


Never.


For I have a G-d

And I have a soul.

And I have a Rebbe.

And I still believe with complete faith in the coming of Moshiach.
And though he may be stuck in traffic on the 405, I shall wait for him every day that he shall come.


So there.

Friday, June 15, 2007

a.g.n.



















Good night my sisters everywhere.


How awesome is it.
That we all see.
The same exact moon.


Hashem rocks the house.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Thinking





















Yossi says go private.
The world is full of crazy people.

Bluma says get over it.

Esty doesn't understand the whole blog world.
She has far more important things to do and has tuned me out long ago.

:)


~~~


What I want to know is What would the Rebbe say?



.

Monday, June 11, 2007

A Post For One of Those Days




















This is a post for you to come back and read one of those days when you're feeling kinda like a loser slash loner slash need someone to talk to person.





That day when all the clouds are grey.
And your friends have gone away.



Your memory draws a blank on all happy thoughts and occasions that may have happened in your life.





You forget you've ever done anything worthwhile.
You doubt anyone is thinking of you or missing you.
You can't find a single thing to smile about.





You feel sad.
You feel lonely.
You feel like nobody cares about you.
You feel like zero.




Well, aside from telling you that:

a. being unhappy is totally lame and
b. you are in control of your own happiness and
c. nobody likes depressed people and
d. you'll be out of it in no time and
e. you're not the only one who ever felt like this...

here are some suggestions to help you get out of your lame little funky state:


Go do something for someone.
Anything.
Buy someone a present.
Put on some awesome music.
(Preferably Jewish as the alternative is bad for the spirit as it is)

Color a picture in a coloring book.
Paint your room.
Change around the furniture.
Give away half of your closet to some friends who could use some clothes.
Drive somewhere with the windows closed and sing on top of your lungs.
Do a cartwheel.

Cry for all the little one with shattered lives and broken homes.
Laugh at yourself.
Go outside and smell a rose.
Hold a sleeping baby.
Make yourself a hot cocoa.
Send an email to all your buddies and wait for the replies to come in.




Go to sleep and wake up in the morning with the sunshine.

p.s.

still debating the whole privacy thing...

Sunday, June 10, 2007

This Blog Is Going Private

























Life is full of forks in roads.
To go left.
To go right.
The road less traveled is also less marked, leaving the traveler to their own disgression as to which way is the right way to go.

I've dabbled with the idea for some time now.
It's been fun.
Living on the edge and all...
But this shepherdess is relocating to safer pastures.
:)



p.s.
Email me for an invite.
If I don't know you and you want to be invited... have a friend of yours who's a friend of mine email me with your email address and I'll add you to the list.

Friday, June 8, 2007

orange you glad i didn't say banana

































Here's wishing you a juicy, tangy, deliciously refreshing shabbos.
From your friend in the O.C.



p.s.
I picked up two of my nephews to spend shabbos with us.
We spent the night with my brothers kids.
Cousins on shlichus with the rare chance to hang out together...

This morning Menachem asks me if Yaakov is his cousin.
I say yes.
He says, "that means he can share his lunch with me".
:)

Shlichus.
It changes how you see everything.
Gotta love it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Ice Cream Anyone??




















Last week I came down with a horrible case of bad mood.
The doctors said it was a bug and I was highly contagious.
So they locked me up in quarantine for a few hours.

~~~

Did you ever go slip 'n' sliding and land a major belly flop that knocked the air out of your belly for the full ride till the end of the yellow slippery plastic?
And then get up and run right back to the end of the line for your next turn?
Kids are awesome.

~~~

Some welcome life's challenges as an opportunity for growth, strengthening of character and sensitivity to others.
Some use 'em as crutches of all colors, sizes and shapes to hobble through a life full of blaming others.

Who am I to judge?

~~~

Hashem only gives you what you can handle.
I can't handle a mosquito bite.
(ahem)

~~~

Snap, crackle, pop.
The sounds of breakfast.
Who was the first to invent the 'helicopter - vroom - open your mouth trick'?

~~~

Big brothers are so wise.

~~~

At times my opinion makes all the difference in the world.
At times my opinion is not even called for.
I'll shut up now.

;)

~~~

(p.s. have a totally chof sivan day. happy b-day to m.r.m. :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Sister, Sister.


































I wish I could take you with me wherever I go.
You are the balance on my seesaw.
You are the pride of my days.
The security of my nights.

I wish I could build a house next door to yours.
With joining kitchens and laundry rooms and backyards.

You cook like my mother.
You look like my soul.

You make me laugh.
You make me comfortable.
You make me normal.

You listen.
You nod.
You space out.
You space in.

You're there for me to lift me up.
To patch me up.
To fill me up.


Happy birthday sis.
I love you.

Over and Over and Over and Over.





























Why is it that no matter how many times I fill up for gas, I always run out?
And need to fill up again.
And again.
And again.

It doesn't matter that I did it yesterday.

The bed.
The dishes.
The hair.
The smiles.
The shoulders.
The words.
The patience.
The joy.
The time.
The commitment.
The respect.
The hugs.
The understanding.

Need I say more?
Everyday is a whole new world.
See you on the other side of morning.
:)

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Friday, June 1, 2007

Fly. Flit. Float.




















I'm sitting frozen on the bench swing.
Facing the pool.
Two of them just landed on the pool gate, not far from the leftover challah from last shabbos.
I heard them just minutes ago chirping with their friends in the neighbors trees.
Playing.
Chasing.
Flitting.
The brave one takes the first daring leap off the gate.
Three more have joined...
They follow the leader to feast on half of a stale loaf from shwartz's bakery.
One man's trash is another birds lunch.

I'm afraid to move.
The swing begs to be swung.

My mind starts up with me.
Blog.
Must blog about this.
The words have already begun forming.
I'm sitting frozen on the bench swing...

~~~

Reminds me of a summer where I spent many days doing 1000 piece jugsaw puzzles, one after the other until I starting seeing puzzles every time I closed my eyes at night.
Then I started playing Tetris around the same time...which eventually led to puzzle shaped pieces falling in a Tetris game in the movie of my mind.

Then there was the time I was designing mezuza cases. Fabrics and colorful designs filled my room and my mind until I started seeing everything in life as a potential mezuza case design.
A patchwork couch.
A gold, orange, blue sunset.
An Oilily dress.

~~~

Years have passed.
My world is becoming a blog.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

;)

Gut shabbos shvesterlachinlachin.
(laughing sisters...i like)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Something to Smile About






































































it's starting to smell like summer
the air is sunny
the breeze is breezy
pool party at my place
trader joes chocolate soy ice cream popsicles
and lotsa sunscreen
:)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Confessions of a People Pleaser




































Yes, yes, yes.
Smile.
Sure!
No problem.
Oh, my pleasure.
So not a big deal...
Of course!
Any time.

Life as a people pleaser was good.
I was liked.
You were happy.
Everything was wonderful.

~~~

Then one year I was hired as a teacher at a new school.

The seasoned and slightly fatigued staff welcomed me with warning looks.
And words of doom...
"Look out, they will take advantage of you. Don't be too nice. Be sure to say no!"

And so I did.

~~~

No.
Nope.
Sorry.
Busy.
Gotta go.
Uh, uh.
Maybe later.


Days followed weeks followed months.
The school year was nearly done.

Then one fine day the sweetest, kindest rabbi in all of school approached me, asking for my help with a program for a group of college students.
As usual, I proudly stood my ground.
And with a firm shake of the head, the newly strong, stand-up-for-myself-me apologized.
I was unavailable.

We turned to walk away.
I took a few steps.

Then my heart came crashing down.
From that place where it had been stuck all year.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!
You would love to help... and especially college students... not to mention that this rabbi is the nicest rabbi who goes out of his way to help everyone no matter what no matter who... and what happened to you anyways???"


Sa-wing batta' batta'.
Talk about extremes...

So where's the balance?

~~~

The bottom line is this.
People pleasing is not a problem.
Being a "yes man" is not a bad thing either.

The problem is that most of the time people pleasing is not about pleasing the people.

It's about being liked.

How many times did you do something for a cause, when the cause was really you?

True, it's better to do the kindness for the wrong reasons than not at all...
But there's a time when you need to stop and take a good look at your life.

Why do I do what I do?
How important is it to me that I be liked?
Is this what motivates my goodness?

So yeah, go right ahead, please the people.
When you can of course.
Be pleasant.
Be friendly.
Go out of your way to do another person a kindness.

But remember:

"Life is about helping people, not about them liking you". - B.M. (L.)

Lalalalalaaaaaaaa

































Hollywood stars are like bubbles in my pool.

One person's compliment can be another's insult.
Silence is golden.

Big fish, bigger fish, biggest fish. Some people only like to be the biggest fish so they dare not hang with anyone bigger than them lest they be a smaller fish. But then they will never grow or learn anything new.

Matisyahu is a real good Jew.

Some people actually marry for money.

My niece once came home from second grade very upset because her teacher had said a bad word. She wouldn't say it out loud so she whispered in her mother's ear.
"hate".
Wow.

Reality is everything. If you are trying to live in a reality contrary to the lifestyle you were created to live...you will never be happy. Change your reality, change your life.

If you believe, even a rock can heal you.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

A Moment of Silence

So much sadness.
Rabbi Levitansky passed away today.

Unbelievable.
Wow.
Some people are meant to live forever.
Leaders.

Legends.

My memories of him are at camp rallies; this little rabbi with the energy and youthfulness of a kid, doing cartwheels on the grass in front of the bleachers to the chants of "Rabbi Levitansky mach ah kuleh..."



Rabbi Levitansky was awesome.
May his family be comforted among the mourners of tzion v'yerushalayim.
I can't even imagine...



(pic for dif)

Dear Sisters,

Be a lighthouse.
Be a lamplighter.
Be a life boat.
Be a bonfire.
Be a spring.
Be a rock.
Be a soldier.
Be a ray.

Warm the hearts of all you meet.
Love peace.
At all costs.
Laugh in the face of peer pressure.
Dance in the shadow of galus.
Beg for Moshiach.

Happy birthday Eli.
You're an honor to me.
Love,
c

Friday, May 25, 2007

Over the Hill and Far Away
























The lake at El Dorado Park is famous for it's ducks.
The ones who used to fly and land in our pool.
(using it as a public restroom thus necessitating the need to purchase a blow up shark which shockingly scared them off for good.)

Shavuos afternoon I took Zalman, Shalom and Sheindel for a picnic to the park.
After our fab meal of potato knishes and apple crumble we set off to look for ducks.

Halfway around I stopped dead in my tracks.
More like alive in my tracks.

There.
In front of us.
In the water.

One mama duck with six little ducklings...
Little baby ducklings.
Brand new.
All in a row, swimming in the lake.
They were so tiny!
And fuzzy!!
And adorably adorable!!!

:)

Gevalt.
Hashem is awesome.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Malchus ShebiMalchus

Take a moment and concentrate on yourself,
on your true inner self,
not on your performance and how you project yourself to others;
and be at peace with yourself knowing that G-d created a very special person which is you.

- Simon Jacobson on the last day of the omer.


I'm really gonna miss counting sefirah.

Till next year...
(sniff)
Goodbye my friend.

A Few of my Favorite Things


1. Torrey Pines

















Torrey Pines in La Jolla CA.
It's dry and dusty and windy.
Following a rugged path of green and brown and beige.
Then nature surprises you with a shock of blue.
Oh my goodness.
Awesome sky.
Awesome water.
So steep.
Landing in a paradise.
With cake-like cliffs and stunning ocean views.
Not to mention rock heaven.
I love.


2. Rain

























It's raining.
I'm inside.
Cozy.
Pitter patter on the roof.
Snuggled up in bed.
Wanna stay here all day.
It's drizzling.
Me and Bluma go for a jog.
Misty.
Breathe in.
Fresh as spring.
Splashing on the way to shul with Chaim in brand new patent leather shoes.
Ma's gonna kill.
I love driving through big puddles and making a wall of water.


3. This skirt























Ralph Lauren 4 years ago.
$360
For jean.
Yeah.
My thoughts exactly.
Why buy when you can just save the picture?
So I did.

Sorry





















Boomerang, wack.
Ouch.
Life is mighty tricky.
Especially when it comes to other people.

One can never be sensitive enough.
One can never think enough before speaking.
One can never think enough of how someone else will be effected by what they say or do.
Even when they are doing something good.

Does my righteousness cast you in a lesser light?
Do my heartfelt prayers make you sound shabby?

When I grow - does it leave you feeling short?

On a Mountain in the Middle of the Night






























Please come.
To my place this Shavuos.

Midnight till the crack of dawn.

All night learning with lots of good food.
Good friends.
Good books.
Good times.
Good chimes.
Good rhymes.
Good cheese cake.

Come what may, please come.
Doesn't matter how.
Just come.

See you there.
At the mountain of life.
Where the roses are sweet.
The thorns are sharp.
All challenges are surmountable.
And your guide is thousands of years old.
Engraved in saphire.
Whichever way you look at it.

Awesome.

T'is an honor to climb with you.
Meet you at the top...
Kings, queens and washing machines.
Not to mention warriors.
And soldiers.
And sisters.
And ice cream.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Kookoo Rikoo

































Just because someone has a blog, does that mean they have to post?


Words, words, words.
I'm so sick of words...


What can I say that hasn't already been said?
Stop talking already and do something girl.


Oh this world is such a narrow bridge.
The fine line between too much and too little.

You are nothing.
You are everything.
Don't talk so much.
Don't be so silent.
It's not about you.
It's all about you.

~~~

L'chaim to finding your perfect balance.
Have an awesome week.
Don't beat yourself up if you fall prey to your n.h.
Do something for someone else if you feel depressed.
Greet everyone with a smile.
Judge everyone favorably.
Try to live like a chassid.
What's mine is a yours and what's yours is yours.

And remember - you are the purpose for creation.
Go do something about it.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Come On Inside...

























It's been a long time.
Since I knew you.
It's been a long time.
Since I wrote to you.

But does that make me not your soldier?
Not your sister?
Not your friend?
Nacho libre?


~~~~


Regards from a week without internet in an old age home rehabilitation center in Massachusetts.

Oh the experiences...
So very tired.
Must go bed.
Need a serious massage.
Let's talk tomorrow, yes?
Yes.

Ah gutten chodesh to you and you and you.

Mit lib,
chana

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Bedtime













I wish I may
I wish I might
Wish you all a real good night.

The day has gone
the sun's in bed.
My shoulders, neck and nose are red.

Yes.
I do believe it was near 100 degrees today.
but swimming has a way of sending the heat on its merry way.
till I'm shivering like a quivering...

So I fair thee well my faithful friends.
And hope the new day brings you blessings revealed.

Sincerely,
Your very tired, wiped, worn out, pleasantly happily peacefully contentedly lovingly comradely comrade, hana.

Too Tired To Post - Must Rob Cousin


















CAN YOU LISTEN?
by Z.F.


I must tell my story
There is something on my mind
A clot in my heart I must clear

It happened yesterday
Its impact on me was intense
I'm afraid recovery will take a while

I am telling you my story.
Can you listen to me?

But you answer my question
You advise and analyze,
“Life's not that bad. If there's a will there's a way.”

But I don’t hear you
I’m a heart, not a brain
Don’t give me advice
Don’t tell me it’s false
I can’t understand

I am trying to tell you my story.
Please listen to me.

Change of pace
You encourage and console me instead,
“Oh, you’ll be fine, I’m sure you’ll pull through.”

But I don’t hear you
It is now, not later
Console me then
When I have conquered my grief

I did not tell you my story.
Why can’t you listen to me?

---

I must tell my story
There is something on my mind
And the clot in my heart is still there

What can you do to soften my pain?
Listen. Please, just listen to me.



~~~~~



FOUR TYPES:
by Z.F.

There are four types of people.
The ignorant says “what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is mine.”
The pious says “what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is yours.”
The wicked says “what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine.”
Then there are those who know how to count.

The wicked is wicked because he is a robber.
But the ignorant should also be a robber. One may not take another’s possession even with intention to replace it.
And the pious should be poor. Or foolish. We are not supposed to give away more than one fifth of our assets to others (barring certain situations probably not applicable to the pious).

Allow me to conclude therefore, that we are not discussing physical belongings. We are discussing the moral status of a favor.

The ground zero of favors is “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is yours.” If I did you a favor, it’s yours. Keep it. It is my gift to you. Don’t bother repaying it, because there is no such thing as “repaying a favor”. And if you do me a favor, don’t think you’re all hot, and you have one on me. I owe you nothing. It was a favor. From your heart.

In short: don’t expect favors. This is the foundation of the moral status of favors. He who knows this, is normal. But he who practices it shouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t make many friends. And you know, in Sodom there were no friends.

If someone thinks favors are exchanges (“I gave you money when you needed it, give me money when I need it! Where’s your hakoras hatov?!”), you know he is plain dumb. Hakoras hatov means I thanked you when you did me a favor. Now go away. You can’t make be beholden to you by being nice to me. It doesn’t work like that. Misnaged.

The wicked dude expects people to clean up after him. He thinks favors are obligatory, but only one way. His way. Believe it or not, many people are like this. Maybe even you. The guy who’s driving down the highway and misses his exit? Mind you, he’s not in a very good mood to begin with: he woke up late and is late to his appointment. Now he missed his exit. For the second time. But that’s half his problems when he realizes the next exit to U is in 25 miles. So now he’s super angry and having a tantrum all over the place.
But he’s expecting things to be good for him. “Give it to me, make it good, and give it now!” Nobody is obligated to give you a good time, buddy. Push though it.

Then there’s the chasid. He’s just doing favors for everybody, and not expecting to have a good life. Good guy. He’ll probably have a good life.

The bottom line is this.




- my cousin Zalman Friedman's blog spotaneousgeneration.blogspot.com

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Havdallah Has Been Said































It's LAG B'OMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAHHHHH!

I forgot how much I love music!
Actually I didn't.
But I forgot how much I miss it.

:)

Dancing.
Dancing
Cartwheeling.
Doing the jig.
Heart growing.
Growing.
Growing.
Expanding.
Filling me up...
Smiling.
SINGING!
Dancing.

Wooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
Shmuli is awesome.
I love the new CD.

Friday, May 4, 2007

this.title.intentionally.left.blank.com























I'm in middle of making an apple pie for shabbos.
Phone rings.
Gotta check a flight on my laptop.
I run upstairs.
Can't resist posting something...

:)

Memories are full of smells.
and sounds.
and sights.
and songs.
and sonnets.
and special people.
and so many awesome things that we ought not to ever take for granted.

I love waking up on Friday morning to the smells of shabbos cooking downstairs; the gefilte fish, challah, soup.
My mother tells of when she lived in 1414 President St. back in the day, eight kids in that tiny apartment.
Waking shabbos mornings to the sounds of her mother chopping eggs for the egg salad in a metal bowl using a metal chopper.
Chop.
Chop.
Chop.
Every shabbos morning.
For as far as she can remember.

Whenever I hear "azamer bishvachin" being sung I can literally smell the chicken soup.
Bentzy wrote a song "azamer bishvachin" for the new album.
It talks about an old woman whose favorite thing is to hear the songs of shabbos.
And her favorite was azamer bishvachin...

"time it moved so slowly then...we thought those days would never end"...

Driving to the aquarium chol hamoed pesach, thinking of bubby who loved zaidy's shabbos singing more than anything in the world and crying my eyes out.
End song, repeat, end song, repeat, end song, repeat, end song, repeat.
I love that song.

Ok.
Fine.
I have to go finish making the apple pie.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Hmmm...



























Why is it that the things that some people love about you, others can't stand?
Why is it that the creepy crawly in our pool keeps getting stuck?
Why is humility such a tricky thing?
Why do we constantly need to be patted on the back?
Why doesn't moshiach come already?
Why do people need to be right?
Why do the dishes need to be washed every night?
Why are mileage tickets available only at the worst flying times?
Why is the neitzer hara such a brat?
Why do people like to blog?

Why don't I go to bed?


Manis says there's no such thing as why.
He also says that when people say 'old and wise', it's not automatic.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

When i was a kid...





















Week five day one.
Chesed of Hod.
Lovingkindness in Humilty.
(didn't know loving kindness could be one word...cool.)

Exercise for the day:
Before praying with humility and acknowledgement of G-d, give some charity.
It will enhance your prayers.


- Simon Jacobson. A Spiritual Guide to The Counting of the Omer.


~~~~

"Tzedaka, tzedaka, tzedaka.
that it was what we give...
even a penny a day,
before we start to pray."

The theme song of every lucky young child's Jewish kindergarten education.

I was no exception.
With those two pennies taped to my lunchbox.
Or my pencil case.
Or my backpack.
Or left on the counter at home.
Or in my mommy's pocket.

We always knew to bring tzedaka and give it before davvening each day.

Why is it that certain things strengthen as we grow older, while others just fade?
What happened to my giving tzedaka before davvening?

I pull down my trusty pushka from the shelf.
Count out 90 pennies.
Trade it for a dollar.
Should last me a few months...

Sometimes I need to stop and reflect.
With all that I do now, do I still remember what they taught us in kindergarten...

Gmail Inbox 6:14 am (3 1/2 hours ago)

wow.

I had a real bad night.
I was feeling so angry at myself.
The weak part of me just wants to please and be accepted.
I probably acted like a moron.

Today i awake.
Refreshed and normal.
The woes of yesterday are but a trifle.
its never too late!





(editor's note: couldn't have said it better. morning is the greatest cure and relief for life's rollercoasters. hamichadesh bituvo bichol yom tamid. refreshed. renewed. re-inspired. l'chaim. thanks for the email this pesach sheini morning. it was perfect.)



Girl Addicted to Internet

1:38 am
been stuck on ohmygooshness.com for an hour.
sheesh.
this site is too much fun.
a creative, free spirited dream of sorts.
must go sleepy.
g'night.
for real.
:)





















funky couch heaven.











awesome fabrics!

























these are teapot warmers...ahhhh!

























fantastic lampshades

























chiller patterns.













































this is a toast designer thingymabobber.
wow.